Sending my warmth

Hey you,

are you okay? I know you are not. I think that’s  why I felt a disconnection between us. Don’t feel bad for not texting me. I know I was somewhat caught up in that – but it’s okay. You hinted that I might be just saying I’m okay about it – and you are right. A part of me was just saying that to make sure you don’t feel bad. And the other part of me wished I didn’t feel bad about it. Because I do know you care. But the fact that you kept apologising and saying you felt bad really meant a lot to me. Maybe more than you will ever know. Now I’m here thinking about you. Not in the same way of just missing you. But genuinely sitting here hoping you are coping. It’s okay not to be okay – but I hope that you are managing. I hope that somehow you can feel me. I saw what they wrote up in the paper about your Mum and I felt a bit silly sitting there tearing up. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. I don’t think I have genuinely cared about someone like this before. I want you to be okay one day. And I want you to know I will always be here. I think you know that. And I think that’s what makes us good friends. I don’t think I’m just telling myself these things. You told me that you overthink things, and I kind of liked that. I liked knowing that you have emotions and care about things. And the possibility that you were overthinking me made me feel okay about overthinking you. It must be hard to be you. To deal with your Mum’s murder as a guy where society insists that men aren’t to show or deal with emotions – as if it compromises masculinity. But I don’t believe that at all. The fact that you have been true to how you are not coping makes me think of you as more of a man than anyone. It makes me see that you are as human and real as they come. That’s what I admire about you. And it use to be about making sure you could feel that admiration. But now I just want you to feel me caring. I want you to know it’s more than me just using words to show I care. It’s coming from somewhere deep inside – perhaps my heart? I wish it was possible to have our hearts wired so I could send some warmth to you. Maybe then could I potentially ease some hurt for you. But maybe for now, I know it’s important just for you to know I am here and I care.

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