8/20/16(ô.ô)Distrust & Past Me, the Flirtatious Garden Hoe

Perty jacked up, just a warning… 

May. The month of my fuck up… I think it was May lol. Well as far as i remember. I totally forgot about the whole thing till i was reminded of it yesterday. When my ex confessed to me. I’m pretty sure it was before i had this whole ‘journal thing’. I don’t know. Well, either way, my SO knew about the whole thing. When the incident happened, i told my best friend about it, and he promised to keep it a secret because i knew it would hurt my SO. But turns out, my SO forced him to show him our conversation. Idk, i feel thats a big privacy issue. We’re in a relationship, but i know that there are some things better kept from your other. Ever since i was little, my privacy was always breached so it was really no surprise to me, more like one of those “Congratulations, you played yourself.” things. But now that it was confirmed that he breached that privacy and my friend allowed him to see our conversation messed up my trust with them. They were the only two people i could actually trust with my stuff, and now its gone. I always knew it was dangerous to trust people because in the end, it will jack you up and put you in a bad situation. Betrayal. I can finally understand my friends point of view on these things. We would always talk(and still do) and when he got a bit emotional or deep, i always told him he could trust me because i would never tell anybody his business. He would always tell me no or it wasn’t as simple as i thought. Simple minded me ever understood that, as i trusted everyone i met. But now i completely understand. When you trust someone with your information, its never going to be 100% safe, and finding someone nowadays who will actually keep their promises or your secrets is very rare. I don’t trust my best friend. I don’t trust my SO. I always knew betrayal was a popular thing nowadays, so getting betrayed still hurts, but not as bad as the unexpected. It will never be the same. Maybe in the future, i’ll be able to properly trust a person. But with these two, i dont know. They say trust is like paper, you can crumple it up, and try to smooth it out,but it will never be perfect again. I didn’t put quotes because im pretty sure that isnt the exact quote but extrememly similar.

I can’t really clear up what was going on that day though. Like, i can remember events and feelings, but i can’t name the exact date, so i dont remember if it collides with that event or not. But either way, those two months, may and june, were some of the worse. I was panicking on whether or not i passed my classes, like super stressed lol. I couldnt get my mind off of it. I was thinking of a schedule on studying for my spanish class, which i never did lmao. It was getting to that six month mark in my relationship, and from what i learned from the past, shit always went down around that time, so i was focusing on preparing myself, incase everything started going downhill. I was really worried about my relationship.And ya know, the usual hateful thoughts that run through my head.  Kind of my stressful months. And that confession threw me off even more. With all the thoughts running through my head about more important things, i wasnt thinking straight. 

But i got to admit, the way i handled it wasnt the best way i think. i dont know. I admit.. i was a flirt. When i was single i would flirt alot, not hardcore stuff, just lots of hugs and little sayings. If i was really interested, i would hold their hand or mess with their hands. Back then up to the beginning of my sophmore year, i would always accept confessions (which wasnt often because i would always do the confessing lol). I would feel bad if i didnt accept their feelings, sometimes i would make myself think i like them, and it worked. Some i ended up actually liking, some i didnt.(But thats besides the point, i believed everyone deserved a chance. But again, that stopped beginning of sophmore year) So i never really rejected a confession or never just not respond to it. I never got them when i was in a relationship either. So when i got confessed to while IN a relationship, it threw me off. I was in a relationship, so i wasnt going to respond to it like i did in the past. I didn’t know what to do, i only knew my old ways. I wanted to explain everything to my best friend, but it would seem i was a sl*t back then.. So i guess it was my fault for not giving 100% accurate information. With everything going on, it clouded my judgement, my old ways threatening to surface, self convincing. In the end, i never responded to it. My stress continued through the summer though, cuz ya know, school. But i thought everything was done and over with. Buuuut it eventually came back yesterday. My SO got angry and unleased his wrath on the whole situation. I thought maybe i shouldnt be trusted, but he still trusts me, i don’t even trust me lol. I told him i dont trust him though, but he just said he’ll earn it all back. Hes fricken weird. But either way, i won’t be talking about stuff i wouldnt want anyone else to know. The possibility of it escaping the persons mouth is too high. But yeah.. I didn’t mean to prolong this entry. sorrys. I’ll be on my way

The Garden Hoe,


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