Damn, I fucked things up..

Have you ever met a guy and just known? Just known that you were going to fall in love with him, that you were going to walk down the aisle to him one day? I had that with, let’s call him CK. I knew within the first hour of our first date that I wanted to spend my life with him. He had that quality about him, you know? The one that makes you blush and look away because he gives so much of himself when he speaks. He was so confident that being in his presence humbled me in a way I had never encountered in my 24 years. He was different and I wanted him. I still want him but we will get to that in a little bit. I spent the next 48 or so hours in a blissful fog, cuddling on his couch in his bathrobe, becoming more and more comfortable with this man I barely knew. I had never known comfort like I had with him.

I am a self-conscious, horribly selfish person and I require constant validation to ensure that a person means what they say to me. It sounds extremely unhealthy, I am aware but your past shapes you and to be honest my past relationships sucked. I have brilliant parents who supported me in everything I did both financially and emotionally but they were strict and had high expectations of me (which I have become grateful for as I have aged). I never rebelled by drinking or doing drugs, I “fought the system” by dating the bad boy type. I have had many boyfriends, mostly stupid 3 month school flings that consisted of seeing each other at school functions and awkwardly walking to class together, but only 2 serious boyfriends before CK. I am telling you this because it is important, both of my boyfriends were emotionally and physically abusive. It took me a long time with the first one to realize I needed to get out and when the second started showing similar signs of abusive and my relationship became a dictatorship I knew I had to get out. I met CK 3 months after my second serious boyfriend almost broke my hand. Tinder was just supposed to be a way to talk to some new guys that lived near me. It was supposed to be a joke just to entertain me for a while, but it led me to CK and that was probably the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. 

Now back to the love story and my royal fuck up. CK and I had a whirlwind relationship in the most relaxed sense imaginable, doesn’t make sense? I know, let me explain. As I stated I am 24 years old, CK is 27 and we live within 5 minutes of one another. Following our 48 hour first date I spent almost every night at his place unless I needed to go somewhere for the weekend. I had the privilege to eat dinner with, shower with, fall asleep next to the greatest man I had ever met and things were close to perfect. We had minor disagreements and I had moments of doubt that he was able to talk me through. He  was my person. He is my person and that won’t change. When you meet a man that will pick you up out of the shower floor, dry you off, and dress you because you are having a panic attack and can’t breathe you have found the one. He is genuinely a good guy. So what’s the problem you might ask? Me, I’m the problem.

Now I am not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I know my problems and I am learning how to deal with them. I am learning but things still aren’t quite there yet. It is a process. I mentioned some of my flaws previously but in case you missed them: I am selfish, insecure, anxious, full of self-doubt and sometimes self-hate. I am also a bitch per multiple people in my life, but I accept that and isn’t that the first step in making a change? Anyway when you put all of those things together with a past of abuse and distrust it makes relationships difficult. Now I don’t want you to think that I made this poor guy fall for me and then unleashed the crazy on him (although that’s kinda how it happened it was unintentional). I explained my past to CK and told him how emotionally stunted I was, but I wanted to change for him and I was doing a pretty good job at it. In four months our worst fight was over something dumb and he ended up blurting out that he loved me (and thank god because I had been in love for him for a while at this point). At the end of the first week in August I decided to spend some time at my parent’s house. I would be a few hours away for almost 3 weeks and the day after I was supposed to return he would be going on vacation with his parents for 2 weeks. Enter my emotional baggage and my need for validation to know that I am loved, also enter an increase is work related stress for CK. Everything was okay for the first week, at the beginning of the second week we made plans to see each other and everything was great but by Thursday of the second week I had lost my mind and started wallowing in doubt. Now for the debut of my crazy, emotional alter ego. I started texting CK more and was getting increasingly more annoyed when he didn’t respond to me, so of course my childish self decided that being spiteful was a good solution, it is not. Being spiteful is never the solution to a problem and I realized that after the damage was done. Over the next 24 hours my relationship went from something out of a story book to hell. It ultimately ended in two broken hearts, destroyed futures, and CK not speaking to me. 

I am not going to go into detail of the fight because to be honest it is still pretty fresh and I don’t 100% know where my relationship with the man of my dreams stands at the moment. I told the story because one I needed to vent and two because I want you to learn a tough lesson without the pain and guilt and anger that I have had to go through. DO NOT be spiteful. If something bothers you talk about it, it might cause a small argument but you can move past small and grow as friends or a couple. Don’t let something insignificant dictate the way you treat somebody. CK was busy, he is an adult and he has a life outside of me and it was completely unfair of me to expect immediate responses from him when I mostly sit around watching netflix or youtube videos and it wakes me anywhere from 10 seconds to 2 hours to return a text message. Love is breakable, and I managed to break my love’s heart and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. 

2 thoughts on “Damn, I fucked things up..”

  1. I don’t normally respond to things like this but was touched by your words. I am sorry to learn of your difficulties and I am sure if CK is the man you are describing he will understand why you are the way you are. Although it is not a healthy relationship there are things you can do to help yourself, I have been to both counselling and hypnotherapy and feel hypnotherapy has been amazing for me. I am more confident and I don’t put myself down anymore.

    I too have been in a very abusive relationship and I am now happily married now. Your past has shaped who you are today but don’t let it consume you and shape your future. You deserve better, you deserve to love yourself and be happy!!! I hope you can work things out, Take Care

  2. Thank you huggie. My own self image is unhealthy and I have a past history of unhealthy relationships. I think we moved a little faster than normal but my relationship with CK is typically great. I just pushed him too far and when he needed to step back and take sometime to calm down I failed to give that to him. I understand that it sounds like I have found myself in a bad relationship again but this specific incident was caused by my insecurities and we have since talked we just don’t know if the relationship is salvageable.

    I do appreciate you sentiments and suggestions for help with my anxiety and self-confidence. Having people read my post and respond with such kind words helps me to realize that good people exist. 🙂

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