Reminder To Self

This morning I discovered that Facebook filters messages. I had no idea! In fact, I think my friends have told me about situations in which they find messages they didn’t know were there but I took it as they simply overlooked them. I didn’t realize the secret was that you had to navigate Facebook to actually find hidden messages! Anyways, my best friend came over the other night and we went out for pizza. I told her I had been proud because I came across some photos of me and my first love and I didn’t cry. This was significant for a few reasons. One, we were together on and off for almost 9 years. That is a LONG time! So it makes sense that it took me YEARS to get to where I didn’t cry at the mere thought of him and our relationship. But what made the biggest difference is that these photos actually made me smile! They were these silly, uncut, unedited photos and honestly, I am not even sure where they came from. I am addicted to Instagram and I only post unedited photos on a rare occasion. But these were him and I laying on the bed, him with messy hair and no shirt and me in a tank top with no makeup… And we were laughing and I was gazing at him with this adoring smile on my face. And in that moment, I remembered all the times where we were really, truly happy and in love with one another. Mind you, this relationship ended (for the last time) three and a half years ago. So low and behold, I discover these Facebook messages this morning, only to see that he messaged me… TWO YEARS AGO. Thankfully it wasn’t emotional and he wanted his football jersey back. At the same time, a year ago this would have wrecked me. The mere thought of him reaching out would have sent me into a spiral. And knowing us, it would’ve sparked conversation and another wreckless chapter for us. But this morning… This morning I merely acknowledged it. Sure, it stirred up a ton of emotion and made me feel some type of way but in the end, I realized that was okay. This was a significant person in my life who at one point, was the love of my life, my best friend and the man I thought I would spend my life with. And better yet, I acknowledged that it was two years ago and didn’t feel the need to respond. Which is literally the first time in my entire life that I have chosen not to respond to him. In the past, I would respond within seconds, no longer how long we had been apart. I was eager to spark conversation and rekindle whatever we could, in hopes of trying again… This time was different. And at first I felt a little angry with myself for “feeling” anything after all this time. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the significance of this moment… The first moment in the last ten years that I didn’t drop everything to respond. The first time in ten years that I didn’t get some crazy notion in my head that we’re still meant to be together. And again, I realized it was okay to feel.

It is the first time in my life where I feel as if I have moved on from him. It is bittersweet to say the least. It also makes me appreciate the significance of my relationship that just ended, because I truly believe the things that relationship taught me are one of the reasons I am able to stand strong in who I’ve become and knowing what I want and deserve in a relationship. It doesn’t ease the heartache of a recent breakup but it is an important moment and 

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