Why I want to write this down when it is nothing unique at all, I’m not sure, but it seems like writing might help. I’m in my early 30s and single, or single-ish, no, single. I have had a few long term relationships. I have had a couple boyfriends who I knew would have married me, but I did not want to marry them. I don’t really want to marry anyone. I have dated people who were very in charge, or one person at least. I have dated many people who were too child-like, not at all independent, a lot of fun, but needed to learn to take care of themselves. I have recently been on many dates through okcupid. I am getting pretty tired, overwhelmed socially. It can be fun meeting lots of people, especially because I just moved to a new place so I am also on the look out for new friends, just connections. That is all we all really want. Connection. I am not looking to get married. All I want is a partner who is a good match for me. Just for once. For a while. Hopefully a long while. Someone who doesn’t want to just fit me into a box that they have made for their partner, but someone who just I just fit and they just fit me. An equal. Someone as excitable and quirky and as able to geek out over many things. Someone who can have completely open and deep conversation. Someone who does work hard and have focus, but who also can drop everything and have a silly good time. Someone who can spend long periods of time in the woods not just hiking or kayaking, but sometimes just sitting and listening. Someone who is musical. Someone who can make music with me. Someone who is into too many creative things. Someone who is willing to take it slow, but who also would like a good amount of regular communication. Someone who would one day like to own a small bit of land together and have some kind of small farm, maybe even just a garden. Someone who is not afraid of things like spiders and roaches. Someone who would brave the sun and the mosquitoes to enjoy the outdoors. Someone who maybe would think of having children eventually. Someone who can take care of themselves, who can clean up after themselves, who can be independent. Someone who is as smart as me, but who is not an intellectual. Someone who is kind and who is into their work, but more into or at least as into the rest of life. Someone who would pick me up is strange ways, who would sing through conversations with me, who would dance with me in public, who doesn’t care what other people think and will do silly things in public for the amusement of themselves and other people, someone who would go swimming with me in the canal in the tobacco district.
I am tired and need sleep.
Tonight I met with someone to play music and it was fun and just what I needed and and near the end he said he’d like to do it again and I said I would do it every night if I could. I get a little over excited. I didn’t mean because of him per se, just that I was having fun and wanted to play more. He then felt the need to tell me he wanted to put the breaks on, that he’d been through a string of bad relationships and wanted to take things really slow, but that we could be friends and play music. This is good, but I felt strange. Caught off guard. I said, that’s good, but what I was thinking was that he was really just not interested in me and was letting me know this would be a friend thing always. I felt self-conscious, like I had over done it and not been totally myself because I was excited. It is funny. When you meet people that you are not entirely into it is easy to just have relaxed conversation and be yourself and feel connected. When you meet someone really great, it is harder to be yourself. He wants to hang out again, but still I feel rejected and I have been meeting so many people and wishing so hard to meet someone who could be that match, that I sort of feel like giving up.
What is weird is that I have felt this way for a few days and am still compulsively looking at okcupid and talking to people on there and will probably continue to meet people and search even though it really doesn’t feel right anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I am addicted to love. For real.
Recently I had been hanging out with someone from okc who I had planned on being strictly friends with. I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all, but he was into a lot of creative stuff. He also lives with his parents and is delivering pizzas and going to school for something that may or may not employ him. In the world of work he seems to lack direction and passion. He also seemed a bit more feminine than me and is afraid of spiders. We were hanging out quite a bit and conversation flowed so well. We could go to deep places easily and talked openly about what was important and we also had more fun together than I have with anyone in a long time. All of the latter things added up to an attraction. We ended up sleeping together and he spent the night a couple more times. I felt almost manic, excited and not getting enough sleep when he slept over. After the last time he slept over and we spent the day together, I realized I needed to rest and have some time alone and try to come back to reality and look at what was happening. He immediately got a little weird and I didn’t like it. Now I see it makes sense. He has had a lot of girls do this. They get close and very quickly into the relationship just end it. I was thinking it over, but I hadn’t decided to end it until he had a pretty hard time with me taking space. That said to me that I had better. So I did. Before that though I just wanted to think about it more and feel it out. He was not exactly what I was looking for. Lived with his parents, not someone I was physically attracted to, not really focused in life, sort of lost. I have been trying to get out of the pattern of dating lost boys recently. Probably I would have come to that conclusion I guess either way, the conclusion of ending it. Anyway, after I ended it, it seemed like we were going to be friends. There was a day of normal silly conversation through texts and then the next day he said he wanted to talk more and called. That conversation made me question myself. He said, “So, what? Are you going to keep burning through guys until you find one that meets your check list?” And well, I didn’t know what to say, cause I guess the answer was yes. But also, guys will burn trough me in the process, but that is beside the point. I was also afraid of continuing a relationship with him that I knew was not really exactly what I wanted. I have done that. I have been in relationships for years with people who were not really what I wanted and I don’t want to do that to myself or the other people anymore. If it is not right, I want to end it and be open to something that is right. But is this bad? No. No. I can’t say that’s bad. It may be bad to move quickly into things though and then drop people, or ask to be friends. It did make me think that I need to move much more slowly.
It is hard. Because I want a partner. I want someone to come home to. So it is easy if I am having a good time with someone and really liking them to want to just spend a bunch of time with them and feel that comfort of another person. But I do need to try to not get carried away. Mostly because then they get attached and by the time I have figured out that it may not be good, they have fallen in love. But how do you try things out and figure things out about a person if you don’t go for it and get into something? I guess just more time… I don’t know. Clearly I don’t have the answers. Answers!! Where are you!? And my mirror! Where are you?! My mirror of a partner… Is that what I want?
I am tired and need sleep.