Oooh Boy!!

way back in 07 i met these 2 dudes. They were actually neighbors but since i was way older then them and knew their uncles and shit i never knew about them. But they started coming over and hanging out and even though i have a brother they would come and visit me. The 3 of us were really close. Heres where shit gets tricky. My sister liked one of the guys. The same guy i liked. I kept it a secret cause they,being in their late teens, and i was in my mid to late 20s. Awkward. So my sister likes the one dude. I liked him too but everytime she would get shitty and act weird and ask if i was sure i didnt like him. Let me just take a min to explain i 100 percent of the time harbored feeling of any kind because i was always the ” fat” little sister. So even if i did like someone it never mattered. I was stuck in her shadow where i never even got a second look. And once she knew who i liked it became a game. Thats a whole new post. So anyway i became really close to them and i forced myself to like the other one my sister didnt like. Just because i thought maybe i would have a chance and it took my mind off her and the one i secretly liked(i hape thats easy to follow and makes sense) . Long story short we all had this giant falling out. It was Mostly my fault and i have only talked to them 3 times in the past 4 years. Today was one of the times. The anger i had seemed to have melted away and i spent most of the time talking to the one my sister liked. Talking to him made me sad for the end our friendship. Sad that so much time has gone by. Sad that we will never be as close as we use to be. Sad that ive gained over 100 pounds over the dude i forced myself to like at the time. Sad ive spent all these years struggling in this depression that seems to have effected not a damn person but me. Anyway seeming them made me realize its time to suck the pain up. Ive grieved it all long enough. So i have decided im gonna start eating healthier and working out. Its gonna be so fucking hard and i hope i can do it. Im just gonna remind myself of how embarrassed i am to go in public because of how fat and uncomfortable i am. So wish me luck?? Cause im gonna fucking need it. 

✌ ❤

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