I found myself doubting my decisions tonight while washing my face. I am in love with a man that I have managed to destroy and I have begged him to forgive me, to let me fix what I broke and I want to more than anything (see my previous post for more info). But I have had so many moments in the last 48 hours where I just want to give up. Things feel different now, so different that I don’t think the old happiness we had can come back.
I grew up watching Disney princess movies and I believed that fairytale love exists. The cynical and lonely side of me doesn’t believe in that type of intense love anymore. Love songs are just songs now. I don’t smile when I think of him. I don’t enjoy looking at pictures of us because it’s all a reminder of my emotional breakdown. It’s a sign that I failed.
I hate myself for wanting to give up, to take the easy road and just move on. I have hurt him so much and he is willing to try but instead of toughing the next few days out so that we can talk face to face I want to run from the pain. I want to be selfish and just leave him feeling broken inside. What is wrong with me?! When did I become such a coward? When did I become so afraid of getting hurt? I walked away from longer relationships without a care in the world, but this one crushes me. I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want to stay with someone that I don’t think can move forward and be happy with me again.
He tells me he misses me and it makes me nauseous because I can’t tell if he is trying to pacify me or if he truly misses me. How horrible of a thought is that? I know that he misses me because we love each other and we trust each other and I miss him just as much, but that little voice of doubt in my mind is so overwhelmingly loud right now. And I can’t tell him this because it would just hurt him more.
What did I get myself into? And why do I insist on listening to more stupid love songs?