Possible triggers below…read at your own risk!!!
It has been a rough couple of days…
I have PTSD and usually, it is under control (read) I block everything out and shove it way down so I pretent it isn’t there anymore. Not sure what’s going on in my head, but, I had a dream last night…When I was young (15-17) My uncle, who I lived with, sexually molested me, pretty much every day of my life. My mom was sick from the time I was 11 (more about that at another time) so my aunt (my mother’s sister) and uncle took us in. My uncle has been dead for quite some time, and I can’t recall any triggers recently, so I’m really not sure why this is coming up in my dreams. If I avoided him or wouldn’t come do whatever he wanted me to, he would sit and pout.
He used to sit on the couch in these exremely short shorts and his dick/balls would hang out the leg if he would sit just right. That was my cue to sit down beside him and allow him to do whatever. My attitude was to just get it over with. Sometimes I’d just walk around the house keeping myself busy pretending I was getting ready for school the next day or cleaning or something…anything but what he wanted…he would pout, say that I had found a boyfriend at school or just tell me that I should sit down. It was horrible. Then, I thought I needed to do it to keep a roof over myself and my mother’s head. Fortunately for him, my aunt worked out of town during the week, that’s when we’d play house. He made me sleep in their bed with him when she was not there. Fortunately for me, my aunt would spend the weekends at home. I loved seeing her come home on Friday night and hated seeing here leave on Sunday evening. What was supposed to be the best time of my life, was the worst time of my life. My mother was disabled and sometimes she’d walk in on us doing whatever and if she said anything to my aunt about it, my uncle would just say “That never happened, she’s imagining things” or “She is not right in her mind that did not happen” and my aunt would beleive him. When my mom would say something, I’d get that little glimmer of hope that it would stop, that it would magically go away. It took me getting a boyfriend my Junior year of high school to do that. I got kicked out of the house because I got caught holding my boyfriend’s hand while he was walking me to my car one day after school. I didn’t know my uncle had gotten off work early and was sitting in the car waiting for me. I got called a liar and a slut and all kinds of things and thrown out of the house to go live with another aunt of mine. Years later, I found out that my uncle told my aunt the reason he wanted me out of the house is because I was sneaking boys in the house when she was out of town and he was on night shift. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE…he told me he was doing me a favor by teaching me how to do these things for my future husband. Scared the shit out of me when he told me one time that he was waiting for me to turn 18 and he was going to divorce my aunt and marry me. NO NO NO NO. He even went to the doctor (back then there wasn’t viagra, I don’t think) and got these injections to make his penis hard so he could have sex with me. He told my aunt he did it for her because he wanted to make love to her…SICK…there are things that do trigger some flashbacks…like writing this…
The smell of well water: We had well water and it had that sulfur sort of smell that well water often does.
Songs: Songs that he’d say reminded him of us.
Smells: Stetson cologne was just the worst!
Ground level bathrooms with windows: He would tell me that he’d peep in the window and watch me take a bath or use the bathroom
Other things he’d make me do:
Sit in the front seat so he could touch my vagina through my pants or I’d have to sit with my hand on his penis during the ride. He’d check my underware because he said I must have been getting turned on by someone at school because I had wet panties. When I got my license, and he was working night shift, I’d have to go sit in his office so he knew I wasn’t doing something with someone else. Sleep in the same bed with him while my aunt was out of town. Lie to my entire family about why I didn’t have a boyfriend or a social life. I couldn’t date because I was HIS…but I couldnt’ tell anyone that.
The Dream (Nightmare): I can see our old couch and him sitting there pouting because I was avoiding sitting with him by doing things around the house. The weird part is that it was him (who’s dead) the old couch but it was me now, as I am as a grown up. WTF!?!?! I don’t like this!!! It keeps playing in my head now and I hate it! It is making me want to vomit!!! Why is it surfacing? I’m usually really good at burying that shit. It is so gross!
I’ve stayed in bed most of the weekend. My mind has not been a good place to be lately and the best thing I can do to keep from “lashing out” or being mean and hateful is to just keep to myself. Nobody understands…I’m usually the nice girl and people push me to my limits and I just brush it off and say “Oh it’s fine”
You drank the last of my soda that I have in the fridge and I didn’t even get any? Oh it’s fine.
You borrowed my shoes/clothes and now wear them like they are yours? Oh it’s fine.
You need me to pay for XYZ? Oh it’s fine
Oh, you are taking advantage of my niceness again? Oh it’s fine!
BUT SOMETIMES IT IS NOT FINE and I say something and this…
The one time I say something other than Oh it’s fine…What the fuck is her problem? Why is she being like that?
Sometimes I just want to scream IT’S NOT FINE!!!!