Day 2

Hey guys,

Laying here on my bed waiting for my daughter to fall asleep, I figured it would be a good time to write a bit in my journal.

So my brother ended up arriving around 10:30 last night and we stayed up until nearly 4 in the morning. We ended up having to unload all the food from the fridge in the rv so it wouldn’t go bad, that took a while. He’s on a health kick and there is so much fruits and vegetables, I cant see us being able to eat it all up before it all goes bad. Oh well, what can I do, I’ll try to make meals that consists of a lot of veggies and do my best to use it up. I hate seeing food go to waste.

When my brother called me from Quebec and told me that he was coming down he told me that he had something happen to him and it had really shaken him up. He told me that he was driving about Montreal city and his truck was surrounded by 4 hells angels and one pulled out a gun and pointed it at right him and then apparently buddy took a closer look at him and I guess realized that it was a case of mistaken identity and proceeded to put away the gun. Anyways the point is, we were chatting last night and he was telling me how his vision was fine one day and the next day he could barely see things at a distance and that he was having moments where he would do things that didn’t make any sense, as an example he said he was at the convenience store and after paying for his items he proceeded to the doors and was trying to lock them with his keys and suddenly realized what he was doing. He had previously told me that the doctor had diagnosed him with ptsd and I suggested that maybe these things that were happening to him could be related to the trauma of what happened to him. He gave me this odd look and he says to me ” I lied, none of it happened”  He told me what really happened is that one morning he woke up and he felt like shit,  he couldn’t barely see, he couldn’t hold his blater and he was having moments of complete confusion and just doing the simplest of things would completely exhaust him. He thinks that he most likely had a stroke in his sleep. He couldn’t go to work like this ( he’s a truck driver) so he made up this story. Personally I don’t understand why he just didn’t tell the truth about what happened, I really don’t get it. Anyways I told my brother he really needs to go see a doctor and talk about what’s going on but because he hasn’t been in the province for 3 months, he isn’t covered under the provincial medical and would have to pay for part of the cost. So he doesn’t want to go right away. The healthy food kick now makes more sense. 

My brother has decided to stay and not return to Quebec, he doesn’t want to be a truck driver anymore because of what it has done to him physically, he use to be a lean guy and I’m sure he probably weighs a good 350+ pounds and he says he’s tired of being alone, he wants to live closer to family. He wants to live with me, which is fine, I would appreciate some help with my kids and just having someone here who can help me out with day to day stuff. So now there’s 9 of us living in a 3 bedroom townhouse! I do have an unfinished basement so the plan is to finish it up and make a coupe of rooms down there. It’s tight right now but it’ll get better soonish. I don’t really want to move because I get such good rent here and I know I won’t find anything comparable for the price and the landlord has already okayed it for me to add a couple more rooms downstairs so to me it makes sense just to stay right here. And I have trust issues, I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’d be fucked, if for some reason this living situation doesn’t work out well, I need to make sure I am living somewhere I can afford on my own. I really dont want to be put in a situation like that.

Because I live in a townhouse I don’t really have room to park his rv so we had to see about having it stored somewhere, guess who payed that bill, yup, me. I understand he’s broke right now because it cost him 1200 some odd dollars to make it here but I am scared it’ll be a case where I’m being taken advantage of. 

He also asked me to get him a cell under my plan because he needed a local number and the cell he currently has is a business phone and it’ll need to be returned to his boss. He can’t get anything under his name right now because he literally just moved here and can’t prove where he lives so yeah they wouldn’t give him a cell. I don’t mind doing this for him, I completely understand but what kinda bothers me is that the cell came with a 100 dollar Walmart gift card and I personally think I should get it because the phone is under my name and if he doesn’t pay it or what ever I am liable for it but he insists that he should get it because it’s his phone and he has to pay that bill so he should get it. It bothers me, it’s kinda the I feel like I am getting taken advantage kinda situation.  Anyways I’ll let it slide, it’s only 100 bux. 

I really hope this living situation works out, truth be told, I hate raising the kids all by myself, it’s so hard and 90% of the time I fell like I am in the edge of completely losing my sanity. My mom has been living here for a couple of months but she doesn’t help me what so ever, she just sits there on the couch playing Yahtzee on her phone and tablet all day long. That and Facebook. I am not kidding you this is all she does all day long. I tried talking to her about it but she plays the pity card and whines about her ex boyfriend who mistreated her and it’s gonna take time for her and blah blah blah. It’s a fucken excuse. It irritates me. And she makes messes like cuts bread and leaves the crumbs everywhere on the counter and then blames the kids and I know damn well it’s her. Or she’ll make coffee and there will be grinds everywhere and she’ll say that it was already there. It pisses me off because I do the chores and don’t ever ask her to do anything, you’d think she’d be a bit more considerate. And if I try to go out with a gf or do anything that doesn’t include her she gets pissy and has a hissy fit. I love my mom but come on, this is ridiculous. I wish I knew how to get her to stop acting so childishly. She wants to be taken care of but I have 5 kids still at home, I don’t want to have to take care of another person,  if anything I feel she should be trying to help me just a little, I know I would do it if I was living with my child.

I feel like everyone in my life uses me, I often wonder if in truth the real problem is me. Maybe I set myself up to be used or maybe I see things that aren’t there. It’s made me have a hatred for people. I don’t like being around people anymore because I simply don’t trust anyone anymore.  

Well I think that’s it for this evening, 

thanks for listening 

Inner

 

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