Day One..

It’s the first day of not spending every second of it talking to you. It’s the first day of fully sinking in all the information that you really are gone and you’ve decided that you no longer wanted to stick along for the ride. Hurt. That can’t even explain how I feel but I will try and figure it out. I am listening to the stupid album Clouded by This Wild Life because you told me to a long time ago and I have it on repeat just thinking about everything.

What I miss the most is the way you some how made me feel alive..miles apart you still made me think I had known you for years and wanted nothing more than to just fill the empty spaces in my heart. I wish I could say I feel nothing at all but really, I feel like complete shit. Everything hurts. You knew about my ex’s and how badly they treated me and still you did the same exact thing they did, you up and left. I wish I had the never to tell you exactly how I felt but even God knows I’d never be able to..but if I could I would say..

You. You have taken the breath right out of my lungs and sucked it out of me. I’m suffering from withdraws. I continue to think that maybe I am meant to be alone, that I was better off pushing you out than letting you in. I had second guesses about all of this but I never thought things would have ended the way that they did. Still, you are the stars in my sky and every time my phone buzzes I am praying that it is you even if it’s to say hello. You told me you were there for me but you left and left me on my own in the cold. What about the time you asked me to run away with you? How we would go to North Cali blasting Real Friends and never looking back because we’re both tired of the shit at home. Or what about how we were going to go down to Myrtle for my birthday and just be happy and live carefree..even if it would just be for a few days. You took this toll on me and I hate it, I wish I could have stopped it because I hate the stupid butterflies you filled my stomach with. I hated every restless night sitting by my cellphone waiting just for a yes or no. The truth is, we were both lonely and now you;re just fine and I am still lonely.. 

I know you’re doing fine I just wish you the best and I just wanted to say I miss you even though I  know I probably shouldn’t..I just hope tonight isn’t as hard as the first night of losing you..

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