Journal Entry #25 (Peace, or the illusion of it)




What. The. Hell.

Mayday, mayday! Everything is falling apart. Everyone is a mess. And I don’t know what to do.

I’ll explain the short version. After all, I want to be able to understand these if I re-read them in the future. Or um…just in case whoever reads this cares.

The group my friends and I are in is now in another dispute with my brother’s group. This really pisses me off. You know, considering I now play the middle-man role. Almost no one has realized that for some reason. Wth? Doesn’t anyone care about how I feel about the situation?

Anyway, they are going to try to settle the dispute “peacefully” today, after my brothers wake up. The only thing I can do is just “let whatever happens, happen”. My brother Axel told me that. You should have seen the look on his face last night. He looked so defeated. It’s that look a kid gets when they’re faced with the real world and it’s consequences. But Axel is still young. Shouldn’t he get to enjoy the illusion while it lasts? Why is my family’s life so stressful? What did we do to deserve these hardships?

No matter what I tell myself at my darkest times, I’M A GOOD PERSON! I have helped so many people at the expense of myself, even though I don’t have much to begin with. It’s the same for my family.

We all struggle with numerous medical problems, including high-blood pressure (yes I am 17 and have HBP. I’ve had it since I was born), fast thyroid, slow thyroid, random and unexplainable nausea that people outside of our family think we’re lying about, and the list goes on and on.

My mom struggles to make ends meet with bills, having nothing for herself or us when they have been paid. We rely on food stamps to get by, but she always has to sell most of it away for some cash to buy necessities. This leaves us starving for most of the month. I have even gotten used to the hunger. I can last without eating for a long time. Even when we have food available, I will rarely eat it. It has even messed my stomach up. If I eat more than a little bit, I get sick and throw up/have the runs.

There is plenty more wrong with our life, but I’ll just save that for another entry. I don’t write these for you to pity me. I just want you to understand why I am sad and angry all the time. Why I can never be truly happy. I guess you can say these entries are for you to “get” me. I want everyone to know that even though most people “have it worse”, my problems still matter. Just because I’m not homeless doesn’t mean I’m not suffering.

“This world is so unfair”. That was a paraphrase from something Axel told me yesterday. He had that same look on his face that was mentioned earlier. “Every game I’ve ever wanted is on the other side of that glass, just out of reach. Life is so unfair.” And he is right. When most people pass by that glass, they’re able to break it and take whatever they’ve wanted on the other side. People like us, have to watch from afar. Just out of reach. All we can do is envy and imagine. The glass is both a real thing and a metaphor at the same time, by the way.

Anyway, to get back on topic, it’s going to go down today. I just wish certain people would let their grudges go. It kinda sucks to hear your brothers being made fun of. Regardless of what they’ve done to you, personal or not.

I just want peace, or the illusion of it. I want things to be how they used to. Remember when we had fun guys? Remember when we used to be happy? That feels like a long time ago, even though it’s only been a couple months.

Peace is real. It just isn’t possible, even though we want it to be, if not just to escape our terrible realities. That’s why we hide in illusions of it. Because we would all go insane if it were to suddenly shatter.

There’s no rest for a middle-man, so I’ve gotta go.

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