My heart is healing and I am feeling much happier today as compared to yesterday or the day before. My situation doesn’t seem as dire at the moment. I have come to realize that my anxiety can become so overwhelming that it turns something small and insignificant into something much larger. For the most part my anxiety centers around how well I perform my job or how well I do in school but that has changed recently.
I was never anxious in my past relationships or not in the way I am with CK. I have noticed that in the past I was always worried about whether I had a future with someone or if they were loyal and faithful or if things would always seem horrible. With CK it’s different. I see a future with him and we have discussed our future previously so I am not anxious about that. With him I am anxious about whether I deserve a man like him. He does everything that a good man should. He holds doors for me, he tells me I am beautiful, he holds me when I am having a panic attack and he encourages me to talk about how I am feeling. He is so overwhelmingly superior to any man I have ever known and for the first time in my life I find myself hearing voices from my past telling me that I am not a good enough woman for him. I find myself fearing that he will realize I am damaged and throw me away.
It is absurd that I am still consumed by the emotional abuse of my past. I thought I had moved past it until I found this person who is everything I dreamed I would want in a partner and I am slowly destroying my chances with him because some douche convinced me that I was worthless when I was 17. How do you quiet the voices and allow yourself to be happy? If anyone has any answers I am open to opinions because honestly this shit is becoming a hindrance that I am not going to accept.
This post got way off track. The whole point I am trying to make to myself is that I can’t let my past dictate my future or ruin all the wonderful things I have in my life. The scars will always be there but I have to learn to appreciate them for the lessons they taught me instead of ignore them and pretend I am fine.