It took me awhile to find an escape. I thought I could trust my people. Everyone that I love. Even my SO. I couldn’t trust anyone. I had no choice.
I was so close to falling. I’m still on the verge of being a corpse. I have been burying these stories to myself and as a time-bomb, I almost went off. But luckily, I just found the gate.
The gate to freedom.
Anonymity is such a huge power.
I couldn’t trust anyone because..
Well, let’s get through it one by one, shall we?
Official diagnose of mental illness
I went to a psychology not long ago and she told me that I suffer from anxiety, depression, psychosis, mild schizophrenia. He told me to go to a psychiatrist as soon as I could. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the time. I couldn’t afford it as well. He said I need immediate therapy sessions and medications. He said he wouldn’t prescribe the meds because he knew this needs more serious observation and treatment, like what a psychiatrist does. I haven’t gone to a psychiatrist because I now live in a different country. But so far, I would say I’m holding up just fine.
This.. anxiety, it keeps bothering me. Every time I try to talk to my closed ones, I somehow feel like they’re bothered to listen to me. Even though they keep saying “no, I’m always listening. I want you to talk to me”. Same goes with my SO. He keeps saying “Please, I don’t want you to hide anything from me. Don’t ever hide anything from me, tell me what’s on your mind. Tell me what you think. Tell me if you have nightmares. Tell me if something’s bothering you. Tell me everything.”
So I did. For the most part. Still, I felt like he couldn’t be bothered listening to my dumb delusional stories.
“I’m so sorry this story is so stupid I shouldn’t have put more baggage on you. You’ve had enough yourself.”
That’s what I say after I tell them my stories.
Because I always end up cringing on what I just do or say.
I have these.. voices in my head. One is so calming and wise. Another one is the true definition of destruction.
These voices, I named them.
But we’ll get to that later.
For now, tick-tock, tick-tock.