The Love of My Life
When I met Chad I was 19, lost and wondering. I met him through the great vine of social networking. I had never met somebody I didn’t know in this way before as I never really felt the need to. I’m sure most people can relate, when you’re in the process of education, meeting new people is rarely a problem.
He sent me a friend request and personal message. That’s where it all started, pretty hard to believe now thinking about it. How a simple moment of something so trivial can change the course of your life.
I remember checking out his picture for the first time. I’m not really the kind of person who likes somebody based on physical attraction; it usually takes me time as I get to know their personality. The picture I first saw of Chad was topless and he looked like a model. He had muscly arms, a six pack and was very easy on the eye. I remember staring at his eyes and thinking they seemed innocent despite his provocative picture.
I’ve wondered about this moment many times over the years. If I had been in a different place in my life would I have replied to his message? To be honest the simple conclusion is no probably not. Guys that put themselves out there and think a lot of themselves (which I assumed, since his profile picture was topless) don’t appeal to me. I’ve always found confident men slightly intimidating, I’m not entirely sure why. Shy and quite is mysteriously sexy to me.
Anyway I replied with my number and we started talking. I remember the first time we spoke and he told me it was his birthday. I rolled my eyes, obviously cynical thinking oh please, don’t even try that bulshit with me lol However, since the 11th anniversary of that date has just gone, it turns out that he was in fact telling the truth.
I made him wait six weeks before I met him in person. To be honest when we first started talking I had no intention of meeting him. He was supposed to be a distraction, just something to keep me busy through banter and flirtation. But not long after we started talking, I found myself pouring my heart out to him. He was so easy to talk to and I confided a lot to him in that short six weeks over the phone. He was very persistent about meeting me and I was extremely hesitant.
The night before I met Chad for the first time the nerves kicked in. I was frantic with anxiety, butterflies running riot in my tummy. I fretted over my hair, what I was going to wear, what he would think of me, the list goes on. Looking back it makes me giggle how nervous I was, to the point I almost cancelled.
The day we met I stood nervously clutching my sweaty hands together, feeling almost sick. When I spotted him my heart nearly popped out my chest. I tried so hard to stay calm and I’m laughing now but I literally couldn’t make eye contact with him as he walked up to me. I had my eyes firmly on his feet lol only god knows why! Me! This crazy, outspoken, spontaneous, wild child… absolutely sick with nerves and blushing furiously! Later he told me that he thought I didn’t like him, to the point I couldn’t even look at him haha how wrong he was!
When I saw him I was smitten in a completely different way than I had ever been in my life. I fell in love with him suddenly, violently, earth shatteringly lol with no limits. The feeling was mutual and we became inseparable, spending every day together. We used to climb and sit in trees facing each other and talking for hours and hours.
I remember one time we were sitting in the tree (a nursery rhyme comes to mind lol) and I was happily chatting away about something, swinging my legs as I spoke. At this point we had only kissed or held hands and every single time he was close to me my belly did a somersault. He suddenly wrapped his arms around me pulling me to him and gently but quickly bit my chest, immediately letting go after. He stared into my eyes with a cheeky smile on his face and I stared back with my mouth open lol we both burst out laughing as I looked away blushing. He became everything to me, my universe and everything good in it all manifested into a human being. It was a crazy emotion that outshone every other in my life at that stage.
My Favourite Memory
In the first year we were together Chad booked us a posh hotel with a panoramic sky high view of the city of London. It was one of the most amazing weekends of my life. I decided I would dress up for him in something sexy but was quite shy when it came down to it lol I remember telling him to wait and escaping to the toilet as I got dressed in a sexy black and pink corset dress complete with suspenders. I had never worn anything like this before so I remember fiddling with the stockings forever to get them right. After I stared at myself in the mirror and didn’t recognise the young petite 19 year old with flushed cheeks. I was too shy to come out the toilet so remember cracking the door open to peek out and see what he was doing. When I looked, heart pounding in my chest, he was sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the door and we locked eyes. I tried to close the door but before I could he was there in a flash pushing the door open gently. I tried to hide behind the bath curtain lol but he caught me and I blushed furiously with the way his eyes looked at me. He has amazing hazel brown eyes. He was biting his lip as he picked me up in his arms effortlessly. He kept telling me how beautiful I was as he planted kisses all over my face and shoulder. The rest I won’t share…
Later, I remember standing in the ceiling high window staring out at the lights of London below, shimmering, and glowing magnificently in the dark. He came up behind me and put his arms around me. It was bonfire night and before us there were fireworks going off all over the beautiful skyline in multicoloured fairy dust exploding everywhere. I remember standing there with him snugly holding me, mesmerised at the beauty before us, glowing with the happiness and love in our hearts. The image of that view and emotion within that moment will be vivid in my memory for the rest of my life.
We were together for 11 years. In this moment of time we are what I’m currently calling separated. It’s hard to explain everything that happened in that time, especially in one entry. I think a part of me isn’t ready to go over it all, maybe I will at some point in my journaling journey.
My love for Chad is definitely the strongest emotion I have ever felt for another human that isn’t my family. I put him on a pedestal and believed he was special. He wasn’t like the rest, he was mine. He let me be who I wanted to be and bought out the best in me. He always showered me with compliments and praise; he made me feel like a better person. He made me feel like I could touch the stars if I really tried.
At the same time he also bought out the worst in me, especially in the early years. My long term enemy reared its ugly head a lot in our relationship. I was very possessive over him and jealousy ruled my thought process even at the hint of him having contact with another female. When I look back I’m surprised he stayed with me but at the time it made me love him even more. The fact that he kissed away my angry tears and held me as he whispered in my ear everything I needed to hear in those moments. He is a big guy over six feet tall so when he hugged me I felt like I disappeared in him. That feeling is one that even now I miss the most.
I believed in us whole heartedly. I had not a shred of doubt in my mind that I would marry him, bear his children and we would live out the rest of our lives together, growing old in the reflection of each other’s eyes. But now looking back on the relationship, it’s a sad reality for me that it wasn’t a healthy one. We rarely spent any time together with a third person between us. We made our own world that existed in our own private bubble. I had no part in his life and likewise which ended up being one of the main things that destroyed us. I think the years we spent like this although are full and rich of happy memories together, I didn’t realise we were living like this because although I was consumed by my love for him I also had so much going on outside of us.
I know I made mistakes when we were together. I should have let him be who he wanted to be and I shouldn’t have been so controlling and possessive. What I realise now is I was my own worst enemy. I realise now that my behaviour is part of the reason he lied to me, although of course I had no clue at the time. He told me what I wanted to hear and lived the way he wanted to when he was away from my eyes. When we finally broke up I blamed myself for being blinded by my feelings and not actually seeing that he isn’t right for me. But if he had had the guts to be true to himself as well as me, I would have seen it isn’t right and let him go. But he says that he didn’t want to lose me which is why he chose to live the way he was. I hated him for this when I realised but now I’m more at peace with it. I just kept thinking, yes he would have broken my heart but at least he wouldn’t have wasted a decade of my life. I may be a lot of things but I always speak the truth regardless of the situation. I wish he could have done that for me. I guess we were both to blame for how it all ended up.
The day I realised he was lying to me was when I caught him in the cinema with another female. Like a crazy woman I sat through the entire movie with him in front of me with this girl to assess exactly what was going on. He didn’t lay a finger on her which to me even with my crazy jealousy told me it was innocent. I don’t know how I didn’t kick him in the back of his head looking back at that day. I think the shock was worse than any other emotion in that moment. After, he told me she was just a friend but something died inside me. I now realise it was the respect I had for him. His pedestal fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn’t respect somebody that lied to my face.
I felt like I didn’t know him. He was living a life I had no clue about. With friends I had no idea about. How can you be with someone for 7 years and live a separate life from them? Why didn’t his ‘friends’ know about me? If she was just a friend why hadn’t I met her? Why did he keep me on the side like something he was ashamed of? Was I that bad? Was I that out of control? Was I ugly? What the fuck?? How could he live, speaking to me every day, yet leaving out huge chunks of what he was up to? I may have had my faults and yes in a healthy relationship you don’t have to share absolutely everything. But how can you have people around you that are a significant part of your life that you meet with and speak to regularly etc and not even mention them? I had never done anything like that. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t have, I would have slipped up and it come out somewhere along the line. For the first time I realised my perfect other half was pretty good at holding back things he felt I didn’t need to know. Or were they things he felt I wouldn’t like? So why do it then? It broke my world apart. My jealousy was replaced with something else that I can’t describe. It was like a black hole.
It’s really complicated to explain but I know one thing for sure, I lost myself in the years that followed. I forgave him for hiding things and still wanted to marry him. I tried to rebuild trust and wanted to change for him. I pushed myself to be more open minded and understand that he is human and deserves to do what makes him happy. The whole time I had him in my ear telling me the way I was, wasn’t normal, in the end I started believing it. He was kicking me when I was down and completely ignored his own faults. Instead he blamed me for his own lack of honesty. If he didn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to be with someone that wanted to be around random girls, not colleagues but just random females he happened to meet, then he should have told me straight! Am I crazy?
The icing on the cake was my need to meet his family. I never did meet them, even after pushing him to let me make contact. You have to remember we were together over a decade, when things should have started moving in a more serious direction, meeting his family was a natural step to me but he always had an excuse. It was the beginning of the end when his brother met his girlfriend, wife, now ex wife. She was involved in his family straight away and it destroyed what was left of our relationship. When she came along, I irrationally hated her with a passion. It was like I pushed all my anger towards him onto her because it was easier. She was proof that every excuse, every reason, every situation that he had given me for over a year on why I cant meet his family became bulshit. I should have left him at that point and it makes me angry when I think about what I put myself through for almost 3 years after that.
I felt rejected, depressed and alone. My anxiety took over and I couldn’t recognise the person I had become. He made me feel like he was ashamed of me and it gave me a serious mental complex. I believe the stress is the main reason I developed my hormonal imbalance and literally my whole life blurred into misery. We fought constantly and I left him a hundred times and then came back because I felt like I couldn’t breathe as the fear of life without him took over. My dreams were shattering and I was trying desperately to keep them together.
In the last year I was so unhappy and alone I nearly killed myself. I started having severe panic attacks and when I look back it makes me angry and sad at the same time because he didn’t do anything to put me out of my misery. He had so many chances to save us. Just grow some balls and hold my hand against everyone, his family, my family, the world… but he didn’t. He was a coward and a weak man and I never saw it for what it was until it was too late. I wasted years of my life with the wrong guy. I can’t take that back. Now I am just trying desperately to move forward without him. It is so hard but I know I deserve somebody who will look after me and stand up for me. Someone who will speak up for me. Somebody who isn’t scared to live life and who loves me enough to actually do something about it, not just say it.
I’m getting there, life goes on…