Far from perfect but working on it

    Now that I’ve given you some of my background, let’s get into the present day. I have a woman in my life whom I love dearly and hope to spend the rest of our lives together. This past year has been a rough one for her she lost the two major adult supports on her life in the span of two days. To as to this when the first went into the hospital I happened to be sick and hospitalized as well. I can only use my own life’s experience with loss to imagine what that sort of stress was like. To my credit sadly, I truly am no stranger to the idea of loss and death. The first was her aunt a woman whom I too grew close with during our three years together. This woman was a caring loving funny lady whom would help anyone she could at any cost. She even allowed the two of us to live with her for a time. Then later during her divorce we stayed by her side and sis what we could emotionally and otherwise. After that messy situation she lived with a family member who made her feel outcast and unsupported. We took the two cats onto our apartment so she would not loose them. Anyway, not very far from her being in the hospital (and several times before) she stayed with us to visit her “babies” as she called them, when she was with us she confided in is telling usher home situation and her plan to rekindle her former marriage. In her home this was a huge secret, that if reviled would cause tons of trouble. The visit was extended to a few weeks and she helped us clean our apartment until it shined. I loved that woman and would have done anything to help her because I knew she ment the world to my girlfriend, not onay that but she was always there for me to talk to and we both had health issues so we bonded over that fact, those plus a million other reasons made her m favorite family member. 

    I was in the hospital with a lung infection when my girlfriend called and told me her aunt had suddenly become ill and as a result an ambulance was called. She died in the driveway but was resuscitated, yet when she got to the hospital she was put into a coma, and the doctors informed the family that she was likely to die soon and for family to pay respects. I luckily was out of the hospital in time to see her and say goodbye. At the same time her grandfather was admitted into the hospital without the family’s knowledge. I will later go into this as he was important to me as well but to her he was so much more and it is my journal so I don’t want to only focus on her. Long story short her aunt passed away and a day later before anyone could visit him the grandfather passed suddenly of old age basically, she was crushed by all this and to make it all so much worse I was caught in a lie wich I am ashamed of. All within the same week. Full of emotion and anger she told me we were over. This was not totally true we stayed together but it was close to being over. I’m lucky she stayed considering all the emotions flying around and I was a target to vent the confusion and anger of all that weeks events. 

    The fact of the matter is that when my girlfriend (who I will call Bella, for privacy and because she’s beautiful) Bella snoops through my phone computer ect. Because on the past she has had issues with men and trust. To be 100% truthful we both have had issues with lying in our own relationship as well. So during a particularly jealous and drunk night I posted something dumb on Whisper that asked if any girls in my area wanted to come have fun, I was in my defense with my single brother and knew I was never going to cheat on Bella. None of that excuses that kind of behavior at all, I do understand this. Anyway I posted it and as the night went on I completely forgot I even did this totally dumb move,otherwise I would have erased it. I in fact never even accessed the account after I posted it simply because I wasn’t  intending on anything it was a mere whim. One wich I regret, and when she found it I lied because I was too afraid she wouldn’t understand,more so I was afraid to loose my love. It was wrong but I wanted to shield her from the truth, and obviously was ashamed and wanted it not to be true more than I can put into words. I sometimes do and say some stupid things when  I’m drunk, therefore no rarely drink. Full disclosure I didn’t even remember the post until she said something. During this week of hell she started to snoop and found out I in fact dos post it and had lied. I caused her even more pain at her lowest point, I felt worse than I can explain but the thought of ending…..well it all, just eliminate the source of her pain; me, luckily I was not that selfish or stupid. 

    Throughout our relationship we have had issues on both sides with trust and ex’s texting. I  have never been unfaithful not even a kiss never not one time. I am almost certain that Bella has never once cheated on me either, but we’re both damaged from our pasts, so the issue of jealously has been a huge fight ongoing our whole relationship, but as I said to my knowledge we both love each other too much to do that to the other. Since all this shit storm Bella has been distant and confrontational. To be honest sometimes I feel alone in what should be a partnership. Then to add salt on all the wounds we have not been physically intimate aside from a few stray incidents. When I finally got to my breaking point I talked to her, she said that now was a bad time to talk about it, for the last two months as of a few weeks we have barely touched on this issue that is slowly killing my soul, she has done everything in her power to avoid the issue and also being intimate with me. I know she loves me but I am reaching the end of my mental rope I NEED her to be happy even if it isn’t with me, this is the current state of things in my life.

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