rough day

I thought the suicidal thoughts had stopped. They are back today. I am feeling very overwhelmed. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no relationship. I have no one to care about me. I tried to reach out to one of the people I call my friend. She told me she is going to a birthday party on Saturday for someone else that I thought was my friend. Obviously she is not, or I would have been invited to the party, too, right? They got a party bus. An entire bus, and I didn’t get invited. I don’t understand. I guess because I am alone, I don’t get invited to things any more now that they are are in relationships. Except for Lana- she is most definitely invited to everything even though she is alone now. I think they see me as a loser because I can’t get a date. I know that means they weren’t really my friends in the first place, but they were better than having no one like I do now.

I feel like giving up again. I feel like I have no reason to keep living when no one cares about me. All I need to be okay is for Brent to give me a chance. If he would just give me a chance everything would be perfect for me. I am so anxious today because football starts next weekend and I know he won’t take me but I still have to ask him. I am scared to get on facebook because I am afriad I will see things that will hurt me. I am hurting and alone and broke and scared. I have no one and no reason to keep living. I am fighting to stay alive every single day, but I am starting to think that I will not win. I am not going to ¬†live to old age. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting with no reason to fight.

2 thoughts on “rough day”

  1. Hello Just Keep Swimming,

    I hope you can find your way and love yourself, you are worthy and deserve love. Even though right now you are alone, it is temporary.

    Maybe someone is out there going through a similar situation as you or wishing they met someone like you to share their experience.

    You don’t have to prove anything to anybody. It’s hard to see how beautiful you are and how special your life is when you are in so much pain.

    I hope you are led to a “family” and that you find a purpose.

  2. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. That is why I make my entries public- in hopes that a stranger will reach out with some encouragement. I am fighting with all I have in me to keep going on every day. I don’t see any hope for a better future right now, but I am still trying to choose life over giving up.

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