I thought the suicidal thoughts had stopped. They are back today. I am feeling very overwhelmed. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no relationship. I have no one to care about me. I tried to reach out to one of the people I call my friend. She told me she is going to a birthday party on Saturday for someone else that I thought was my friend. Obviously she is not, or I would have been invited to the party, too, right? They got a party bus. An entire bus, and I didn’t get invited. I don’t understand. I guess because I am alone, I don’t get invited to things any more now that they are are in relationships. Except for Lana- she is most definitely invited to everything even though she is alone now. I think they see me as a loser because I can’t get a date. I know that means they weren’t really my friends in the first place, but they were better than having no one like I do now.
I feel like giving up again. I feel like I have no reason to keep living when no one cares about me. All I need to be okay is for Brent to give me a chance. If he would just give me a chance everything would be perfect for me. I am so anxious today because football starts next weekend and I know he won’t take me but I still have to ask him. I am scared to get on facebook because I am afriad I will see things that will hurt me. I am hurting and alone and broke and scared. I have no one and no reason to keep living. I am fighting to stay alive every single day, but I am starting to think that I will not win. I am not going to live to old age. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting with no reason to fight.