I know I am supposed to answer a question a day and I haven’t written in quite some time. I have had a bit of writers block for several reasons. My mind is racing each and every day but nothing worth writing about. Also, I look at the questions and nothing comes to mind, usually I see a question and it sparks an emotion and lately I haven’t felt that. I’m just going to give an update today…this entry may not make sense because I am not going to edit it, I am going to let my thoughts just flow to paper and that’s that.
The last few weeks have been interesting, I have had a few intense therapy sessions. Two were heart wrenching, one was a bit more informative. I think therapy is working in certain aspects, I have as my therapist put it “stopped going to home depot for a gallon of milk” I need to be okay with my decisions and not look for others to validate myself. I have started to filter my thoughts a bit more, I don’t tell every detail like I used to. Some things are just better kept to yourself. Maybe that’s also why I haven’t been writing. Who knows…
I have come to a decision about T. I have decided to be all in for 3 weeks, I am giving him everything, my mind, body and soul. If on September 12 he still has not moved out of where he currently lives I will walk away and never look back. I love this man, so much…more than I have ever loved anyone, clearly since I am currently somewhat of a “side chick” ugh I hate that. I also know that I have never given him a clear commitment which is something he needs in his life to feel secure. I have decided that I will give him what he needs to see if in return he loves me enough to give me what I need. I know this may sound crazy, and like I am a homewrecker. I promise you I’m not…I fell in love with this man and he never told me he had someone he lived with, and yes maybe it’s easy to say once you find out leave. I tried…there’s something about him, something about the way he looks at me, the way he brushes the hair out of my face when we are talking. The simple way my knees get weak when he touches me. I can’t live my life wondering “what if?”
If I am being completely honest everything in me knows he isn’t going to leave, he would have by now…it’s been 2 weeks and he hasn’t. I’m doing this for me, so that I can know I gave this man the very best of me in the worst circumstance and I wasn’t enough. If I’m not enough now, after all that bullshit then I never will be and as much as my heart will break I will at least know I did everything I could. I didn’t hold back, I didn’t push him away etc. I know I’m being selfish, and for once I am okay with it. I always do everything for everyone else and this time I am doing what I need to do for me. I told T this and I don’t think he thinks I am serious, I think he thinks that because I love him I won’t walk away but I will, I have to. I can’t play second fiddle and I am only sacrificing right now so that we can see if we have a future.
I don’t know if it’s terrifying or liberating to walk into this with eyes wide open, on one hand I am setting myself up for an incredible heart break. The – can’t sleep, can’t eat, don’t get out of bed heartbreak. However, on the other hand…It’s one thing to know the whole truth and make a decision based on what you think is best for yourself. I’m scared, I have told him I’m scared and asked that if he is going to break my heart please tell me now, don’t wait until the 12th. He assured me he isn’t going to let me down, but it’s hard to fully trust someone when you are still coughing up water from the last time they let you drowned. Maybe I am finding excuses for my behavior, maybe I am somehow glamourizing what this really is. I’m not sure but all I know is I need to do this for me, if for nothing else but to be able to move on.
It’s hard to describe what you see in a person, when I look at him I can honestly see the next 60 years of my life, I can see kids and a house, Christmases and thanksgivings. I can see the arguments and the make ups, the exhausted naps on the couch after having kids, the football practice car pools, Grandkids playing on the porch…I have never thought that about any man in my entire life. There’s something about him that when we are together he quiets my mind, and everything feels safe, even if only for a moment. I haven’t painted the best picture of him on this journal but he does have some amazing qualities, the ability to make me see when I’m being a bit crazy, he can make me smile and laugh when I want to just explode with anger. I haven’t ever met a man who can so easily diffuse my frustration. He is thoughtful and kind. As much as I hate the hours that he works I love that he works hard and loves his job. I have always been able to replace men fairly easily in my life, I just move on to the next with little to no issue but with him it’s different. It doesn’t matter how many dates I go on or how many guys text me etc all I want is him. I also know that as much as I want this man if he isn’t for me, I will be okay without him. I want him in my life but I don’t need him, I am whole on my own.
My grandparents (on both sides of my family) had amazing loves, my memere and pepere were married for 69 years, my pepere knew he loved her in 1st grade. She used to turn all his notes into the nuns and even stood him up on their first date but he knew in his heart she was it for him. The stolen glances and kisses were something of true love, the way my pepere looked at my memere was always something little girls dream of. Now my grandma and Grandpa were a little different but still an incredible love…They were each previously married and their spouses died. They met each other and fell in love, my grandpa died when I was 11 so although I can’t speak too much of their interactions one thing always stood out to me, I consider it fate. My grandparents bought cemetery plots with their first spouses, well before they knew each other, like I said my Grandpa died when I was younger and I never paid much attention to where he was buried until 10 years later when my Grandma died. We were at the cemetery when I looked over and saw my grandpa’s grave diagonal to hers….two people buried with their first loves still next to each other. Some may say that’s a coincidence but I don’t buy it, that’s fate, that’s two people who were destined to be together one way or another. I want love like my mem and pep and my Grandma and Grandpa. I want my kids and their kids to look at my husband and I and believe that true love exists and that they don’t have to settle to get it. I have had a little bit of time to speak with my Pepere since my memere passed away and I’ve asked him what the secret of the long marriage was. He said “there were days we didn’t speak and others where I didn’t necessarily like your memere but I always loved and respected her. I knew if our feet found each other’s under the blankets at night that everything was going to be fine.” That statement hit me like a ton of bricks, to know that even the most perfect couple had their fights and dark days but never lost the love for one another is such an amazing inspiration.
The reason I tell that story here is because there are moments where I feel like T is that for me, that if we could get through this there isn’t anything in life we couldn’t conquer together. But then I wonder should love be this hard? Should I be sacrificing this much? Maybe he is meant to be in my life but not meant to be my forever, maybe he is just to show me that I can love again after an abusive marriage. Then again maybe he is “the one” and all this drama happens and makes us stronger. I am also trying to stay positive, negative thoughts can sometimes cause negative outcomes so I am trying not to dwell but also prepare at the same time. I don’t know…I do know that this is going to be the longest 15 days of my life and no matter what happens I will eventually be okay and that’s all that matters.
I know this sounds like a woe is me post and I apologize for that, I’ve just had so much going through my head that I had to get it out on paper. I promise to get back to answering questions soon. It was definitely therapeutic and I miss it.
*Sometimes what you’re most afraid of, is the very thing that will set you free*