Yes I’m having this effect, this effect when I write things, they seem to keep distance when I put it down in my book or on my laptop. Things from my past has always been haunting me more or less, I feel I’m a wreck some days and other days I’m up shining. But now I feel there has been a change, can it be a good one. I’m gonna describe exactly my feeling. I feel I’m on antidepressiva, and I feel that my emotional register for what has happen to me is somehow erased. No, I remember things, it’s not like a blackout. I feel it has left my body. It’s weird really, but very good. I feel good, my mind is telling me now as I’m writing “You deserve to feel good” Well thank you mind, thank you for being that good to me today.
I’ve had it like this one time before, after I start writing down my life story. I was good after for six months, and then it flushed right back in my face after that. But because I had not been writing anything. There is a connection to feel good, to stay that way, and to drain my problems, obviously! This is a very good self therapy for me, to get on going with this kind of process, keeps me sane, happy. But it does worry me that I feel erased in a way. But should I worry about it? If I let my mind try and collect things like it used to before, you know on those shitty bad days. It’s like it’s not fitting inside anymore. “This case need closure, we’re done” Really? Is it that easy?
So I’ve found a way to process my things, to keep my mind less occupied with things I can’t do anything about. I’m able to take my walks alone, without thinking about stuff that already happen to me. I’m not a case or a file for that matter, I’m not a report you file in your shelf or drawer. I’m a human being, I’m able to think and feel, I’m able to talk and take action. I’m able to say what’s right and wrong. I’m able to follow the law and be a good citizen. And I’m able to wipe my own shit away from my doorstep more that then at any others. The scary thing in all this is : I don’t know how to proceed in the future, yes I get it with the writing and all but how do I function? Some questions are showing up. How long will it last, is this something I need to get used to? What happens if I stop writing? Do I want to? Will it take me down in the drain again if I did? They are just questions I’m sharing here. There is a long way between the thinking and the actual “Taking action” And do something about it.
I left my session with my physical therapist today, my last treatment, because of stress I had muscle pain in my arm – It’s gone. I had a session with her more about handling my mindset and thinking, and how to avoid that stress factor again. “you hang your shoulders up there for a reason, something trigs you. Would you know what that could be?” I’m honestly blank, on the other hand there could be thousand reasons for it. Perhaps I will do some self diving and find out. Self re-search.
I’m also worried if I already have changed, have I, or am I in that change now? Change means something different and something new, something else, and certainly not a bad thing. Instead of worrying I should be positive about this change. I should enjoy my days and stay happy within my family circle. I can’t help but take mental note of what’s going on.
I got back starting with my exercise this week and been looking forward to that. Another self-not is I’m totally out of it after this long vacation. I need to plan it differently. Four weeks for my four year old daughter was too long for her as well. She was ready after the third week to return to daycare again – she missed her friends. And for me, I feel good about getting back to these routines again. I certainly look forward to this coming fall, when the dark is swirling around the corners, that’s when it’s good to have something productively to do.
“Enjoy this new you, enjoy every single moment, don’t worry too much. You’ll be fine”