I awoke to a much easier situation this morning. There were no physical sensations or other such annoyances right from the start. Maybe “they” decided to back off some after it seemed like they were escalating the physical abuses over the weekend.
I have certainly come far in not allowing these menacing voices to have as much of an effect on me now. I pretty much take everything that I hear from them now with a serious grain of salt and regard it pretty much from the get go as some form of psychological mind game. Now that I believe nothing that they say, I fear nothing that they say.
I also felt much better this morning. I’m sorry to say that one negative side effect of this ordeal is that I’ve become a bit more of a beer drinker than I ever was before this all started. I don’t drink allot quantity wise (as being hungover and dealing with these voices is a damn nightmare) but I guess you could say I’ve gone through some phases where I was basically a “Joe Six-Pack”. Primarily I guess I was drinking just to numb out a bit, but I was drinking also as a form of misguided, though more enjoyable, sleep aid. Like I’ve stated before, I’m still at a stage in all of this where I still have to take a sleep aid practically every night. I simply have no choice. These malevolent entities go out of their way to cause annoying physical sensations on my body the moment that my head hits the pillow. There have been numerous occasions for me this past year where for whatever reasons, I didn’t have a sleep aid on hand and I was kept awake all night by their physical abuses and non-stop chatter. Other times I’d be kept awake for hours, the effect being much the same. I felt exhausted the next day.
I suppose at times that I drank as a form of substitute for regular sleep aids, but yeah, this is habit forming and not a good habit to have at all. Routinely drinking every night in fact made the voices worse for me as I quickly just always began to feel out of it the next day or at least not 100% up to par you could say. Even though I wasn’t downing a case of beer a night or anything like that, drinking on a day to day basis still took its toll on me. I would always just seem to have the taste of beer in my mouth on somedays or it literally felt like there was beer running through my veins. I gained some weight and just felt more run down and exhausted. This definitely left me in a weaker position to deal with the voices and physical stuff. To take away the power of the voices over me, I’ve always had to turn around and face them without fear. Trying to avoid having to deal with it by drinking on a nightly basis only made the voices stronger in the long run. I’ve since learned that trying to stay healthy and not abusing your mind and body with things like alcohol (however difficult a challenge it may seem) will have its pay offs and rewards down the road. I recently had to shake off one of these drinking stints and I cannot say enough how much better I feel both in mind and body. A few hours a night of feeling numb to all of this is not worth the toll that it was taking on me in the long run.
I went to bed at about 11:15 tonight but their attack tonight was pretty brutal. I took two shots of sleep aid but I can’t get to sleep. The damn sinister younger sounding female voice (the one I call “#1 on my shit list”) has been yapping in my left ear all damn night. It’s hard to describe. Her voice is faint for the most part, but sometimes, like tonight, she gets right up into my ear or I should say, it’s actually like she’s speaking from within my ear, it’s seriously disturbing.
But as if that’s not bad enough, a sinister male sounding voice has been talking all night to me over the steady noise of my refrigerator, which my kitchen is right down the hall from my bedroom and I have to keep the door open as I get cooler air in there this time of year when I do. I know this sounds bat-shit crazy, but that’s what these spirits do to make themselves heard louder. They can carry their voices over sources of steady sound. Sometimes I can “jam” the voices by running an appliance or something that generates a fluctuating sound, which they can’t seem to speak over nearly as well (yes, they are sometimes checked by good ole science), but it’s 1:30 in the morning and I live in a condo surrounded by neighbors who are all probably asleep right now.
I know how insane this all must sound with my talk of hearing these tormenting voices coming through the sounds of everyday things like appliances and such but real hauntings aren’t always as they are portrayed in the movies. Yes, I have experienced some of the things that you’d commonly see in a horror movie like poltergeist activity, seeing shadowy figures…..but the worst part of this type of haunting /oppression is the non-stop intrusion and abuse by these malicious entities.
In allot of Hollywood movies, you might see characters who are being haunted, leave a location and the haunting may stop (at least for a while) but not in this type of situation. I have since moved from the house where I was dabbling with EVP for a couple of months last year and where the worst events occurred. I had hoped that by moving, that something would change, but to my disappointment, nothing changed with my situation in the slightest.
Sometimes hauntings are more of an attack against one’s mind, location has nothing to do with it. I don’t consider myself possessed because these malevolent entities have never once, at least in my case, been able to control me directly and take away my free will. What they do try and do is influence my behavior and emotions by intimidation and scare tactics and their psychological mind games.
They essentially seek to just keep wearing me down. I honestly do think that they feed on or are somehow strengthened by strong negative emotions such as fear and anxiety. When I’m in a bad mood, the voices are stronger. Back in the beginning of this situation, when I was more or less emotionally crippled with fear and anxiety, this was when they were able to pull most of their “shock and awe” stunts like banging on walls, slamming open doors and even making direct phone calls to me.
However, in the year since, and now that I’ve gotten better control of my emotions and am no longer constantly putting off emotions of fear and anxiety, all that more extreme, more Hollywood movie type haunting activity has stopped. Now things have pretty much become routine. They primarily use voices and these physical attacks (mostly at night) to disrupt my life as much as possible. What they say no longer instills fear in me because as the title of my post says:
“Now that I believe nothing they say, I fear nothing they say”
I honestly do believe that if they were anywhere near as powerful as they make themselves out to be with all of their shit talking, they’d have done something far worse to me by now. Especially since I know that they do not like me writing about them. In fact, they used to punish me for it by making my heart beat real fast. But now they know that they can’t stop me. It never seems to click with them that if they’d just let me get some sleep, I would not be sitting up at 1:30 in the morning writing about them. Most of my writings are in fact a type of “insomnia journal” you could say. Sometimes when they keep me awake like this, when the sleep aids fail, I just feel like venting and letting out some frustration through writing. People often tell me that by writing about it, I’m only dwelling on it more and there is some truth and logic to that. But when malevolent entities are preventing you from sleeping and you’re awake all night anyway, you’re kind of stuck dwelling on it regardless, that’s the damn kicker I guess. At least venting through writing is better than getting all pissed off and worked into a frenzy about it. Insomnia writing like this actually helps calm me down. Hopefully someday soon I’ll reach a point where I won’t need to keep an “insomnia journal” about how these spirit attachments are effecting my life routine this much, but in the meantime, I’ll keep writing if I feel that it’ll help calm me down.
It’s nights like this when I ask myself “is it any wonder that I drank myself to sleep so often.” The temptation is still there for me but in all honesty, it was just making things so much worse. The tradeoff was not worth it. Alcohol induced sleep is really no kind of good sleep at all. It’s not really restful, you’re just out like a light more often than not, and I’m not as young as I used to be. I’m 39 now and can’t put back as many beers as I once did without paying a serious price for it the next day which I state again, being hungover and dealing with the voices is a hellish nightmare.
It’s 2:30 am now. I guess I reached the point of no return for the night. There’s no going to sleep now most likely so I just made up some coffee. Tomorrow I’ll probably have to keep drinking coffee all day at work just to be functional. Not every night is like this but some nights “they” win and now this will probably throw off my sleep routine even more for the next few days. Sometimes it’s a routine of coffee and sleep aids. It’s not healthy of course but sometimes it’s all I can do to try and stay functional at my job. Now what will probably happen is that I’ll come home from work tomorrow just after 5 and pass out from exhaustion. But then, I’ll probably wake up in the middle of the night and then not be able to get back to sleep again. And so it goes until my routine gets corrected. It’s an annoying and aggravating situation, but I endure. If nothing else at all, this situation has made me stronger and more persevering in many ways.
I know my writings may sound all doom and gloom for the most part, but again, that is me just either venting or explaining the tricks that these malevolent spirits often use against me. However, there have been some positive changes in my life since this has all started for me. It has indeed given me inner strength that I never knew I would have been capable of before. It has also made me less self-absorbed by petty things you could say. While I often say that I ‘d love to be able to focus on everyday things again, I now don’t let the bullshit of everyday life drag me down so much. In fact, sometimes it feels good to be dealing with these real life issues and not “other worldly” issues I guess you could say. We’re all facing our own trials in this life, and though they can really suck at times (like right now for me at 3 in the morning), there’s always some wisdom to be gained from all of it.