Break down

Yesterday, I almost broke down infront of my mum. I’m not usually expressive, when it’s about my feelings. It is pretty uncomfortable knowing people might judge. I am usually very quiet when around many people. I don’t know if it’s out of shyness or my socially awkward self. Even with my classmates, I am not myself. Sometimes with my cousins too. Am I weird? I find myself panicking around lots of people, I don’t understand… is it normal?

 I don’t get it what happened to me. I have become so isolated and reserved that it scares me. I am almost a loner if not for my 2 or 3 friends. Before, I used to be a contented girl with average grades, good connections, friendly behaviour, looks and all… but now I am a completely different person. I was very confident before while communicating with people, but it all went down the drain. I know people change, but this is extreme. All of these are disappearing like it was never there before. I am empty, lone & broken and mostly, insecure. These days, I often feel insecure every single day. I am not enough, I feel. I just feel like digging a hole and hide there for eternity.

 Burdensome. That’s another friendly feeling that loves me too much -.- I feel like a huge burden to everybody. Especially to my family. I think my parents would be better off without my existence in their life. I get that feeling often for many years now. I mean seriously, I am such a failure. My sis is doing great in her exms, her future looks bright and accomplishing. While I look at mine, I only see blank grey. Dammit, I am not comparing. I am just noticing the difference. I hope that makes sense.

 That’s all I could write for now.

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