Meditation 2

The latest installment. 

This next time, I was instructed to reacquaint myself with one of my previous animal guides, Father Bear, I learned his name was. I haven’t spoken to him in over a year and I didn’t even know if I would find him. 
When I started out, though, I started in a completely different place than normal. Here in the RL. Then I magically got up from my body and went outside. I opened a hole in the ground and jumped in. I went down this long tunnel filled again with the ice/crystal from last time and then ended up on a cliff’s edge, very similar to where my guide usually met me. There was a wall of water cascading down from above. I remember hearing the rush of water as I looked out onto the scene from behind the waterfall. Serene, verdant, and flowering with pink, purple, and yellow flowers. I remember spreading my wings again and then was in a long forest green robe that resembled those the angels wear that you see in Renaissance paintings of the Annunciation. Like this: 
annun_angelico_grt
So I begin my search for Father Bear. I start walking down a path that leads into a forest. I hear a noise from behind a bush and out pops a black bear. It looks worried, scared even. I ask for its identity, but it roars and runs off. I chase after it. Why I don’t fly, I guess I just don’t know how yet. 
Anyways, I end up at the edge of a river where there is a giant Grizzly bear, and the smaller black bear hides behind him. This time I know who he is. 
And he is very upset with me. “Why have you not visited me?!” He yells angrily. We exchange some heated words, calling me boorish and stubborn and I call him negligent. Finally I break down and admit that I thought he didn’t want to see me. It’s been such a long time, I thought we would have mutually moved on. “I always want to see you, my child,” he says. He slaps a fish out of the river and starts to eat it. He asks me in between bites how the fae have been treating me, and I say, well enough. He asks what I mean by that, to which I reply, “I haven’t met them much, so I can’t really say.” He just kind of nods and then notices something. He mentioned plainly, “You have the armor, I see.” 
I look down to see that the robe is replaced by the armor I got last time. “Yes,” I reply. “And then I got these tattoos on me,” I comment. I show the one that spans my collar bone from shoulder to shoulder, the simple M-shaped glowing bright blue marking and I feel the others start to flow. He stares at me, I don’t know if amazed or taken aback or what. It’s clearly in the realm of astonishment. He takes a step closer and remarks, “You’ve been marked.”
“Does that mean anything?”
He says nothing, but does not stop staring.
“Father, does this mean something to you?”
“Nothing you need to know right now.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re not ready to know yet.”
“Then when will I know?” I’m starting to get a little agitated that no one really tells me anything. His expression changes slightly, noticing the change in my tone.
“When you are damn well good and ready.”
“I’m so sick of hearing this!”
“Girl! You best learn that you’re not meant to know some things!”
Now I’m getting even more agitated because of my own confusion about my gender identity. I’ve been identifying as a male as of yet (even though I’m biologically female), and I’ve been fairly recently questioning this much. I have no idea what I am…. And I’ve been sticking to my guns about being male. But I’ve been having doubts about that, but can’t let anyone know about that. Even my own bear buddy. “I am not a girl!” I yell back. “Can’t you see that I am male?! I am not a woman! I am not female!”
He then gets right in my face and says, “Too bad! Right now, you’re female! Live with it!” He then puts his two gigantic paws against my chest right next to my shoulders where right after they glow the same bright blue on my skin, and then I am taken back into what seems like another memory:   

I’m at another place this time, but all I see is my male reflection with the armor, the white tent, and a place full of destruction… a town ripped apart. I was too late. I didn’t make it there in time. Devastation. It was a grey morning on a green hillside. This only lasted an instant, and then I was flashed back to another place. Another snowy pass. There are fewer people than before, not so many tents like last time. I remember arguing with someone. It wasn’t very heated, but an argument nonetheless. I wish I could remember what words were exchanged, but if I had to guess, it was about the next move we should make. We were after someone… or something. I remember having this feeling of needing retribution. Calm, confident, but nevertheless rather thirsty for revenge. I remember exiting the tent and walking in the cold dark again, looking out into the snow that was steadily falling, and the wind increasing. 

That’s when I came back. I asked what that was, and he didn’t answer. He kept eating his fish, but after a few bites, he says, “You need training. You need to visit me more often, my child.” 
“You sound like Grandmother Spider,” I reply. He shivers at the mere mention of her. “You’re scared of her?” I ask. 
“No, she just creeps me out a little.” He smiles at me for the first time since I got here. “But you do need training.” For some reason, I inherently know what he’s talking about. I’m not sure what that exactly means, but I guess my conscious self will find out. 
I feel that it is time to go and state so. He waves me good bye and I depart back whence I came. I follow the same path back, through the black hole and out back into the parking lot. Then I walk inside, put myself back in my body, and wake up. 

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