Goodbye, Heart and Soul

He told me he was in love with me. He told me he would never, ever intentionally hurt me. I still believe him, but how long do I wait for him to leave his wife?

I’ve known this man for over 7 years, and for the last 3 years, we’ve been best friends. We have talked every day from the time we wake up until the time we close our eyes to go to sleep. We’ve shared pics of things we’re doing throughout our normal day, we would share stories, we’d get excited when the other has something exciting going on in their life. He’d send me photos of the food he’s making for his family, he sent me pictures of the things he ordered online that were just delivered. I sent him pics of my cats, my kids, my work desk, a goofy selfie.

Because of his marriage, we kept boundaries in place. We occasionally got flirty, but never sexual. We never crossed the line into lovers’ territory, and we always stopped the flirting before it went too far. I sent him a Christmas gift and included something for his wife and for his daughter. We were truly very close friends, even though we’ve never met in person.

I was in love with his personality, and pretty much everything else, but I always kept my wits about me. I gave him advice on how to woo his wife, how to try to fix his marriage that has been slowly dying for years. I wanted him for myself because he’s got a heart of gold, he’s smart, he’s nerdy, he’s witty, and he’s a good father and doting husband, but what good would it do me to try to take what’s not mine? He’s absolutely perfect for me in every single way and I’d do almost anything to spend an hour of time in the same room as him, not for sexual purposes, but so that I could just be near him, but would not do so at the cost of ruining his life.

My soul yearns for his, but my brain knew that it would only cause trouble if I spoke those words into existence. And it did..

We were talking, as always, and suddenly, he admits to me that he’s in love with me and that he feels that we’re soul mates.. and he asks me if I think he’s crazy for feeling that way. Here I thought I was his adoring fangirl.. notice me, senpai.. but it turned out it was mutual this whole time. He tells me everything I’ve wanted to hear for the last 3 years. He tells me that he feels we’re connected in a very strong way. He’s not feeding me lines or bullshit to try to get some nudes or naughty messages, he’s spilling his heart out on the floor at my feet and I feel the same way.

I started crying tears of joy as I read his messages, as lame as that sounds, but it was like every part of my soul was rejoicing because it was recognized by it’s other half. We started being more open with each other after that, all the things we’d been holding back were flying freely between us.

I was also in a relationship already, but I was dating a man that I wasn’t very interested in, and I ended things shortly after that first heart-to-heart. Not because I thought that I would soon be with the married man, but because my heart was no longer in the relationship at all and it’s unfair to him to keep him hanging on.

This man that I am in love with has a wife who doesn’t share his interests and passions, she doesn’t show intimacy or appreciation for the things he does (such as cooking these crazy elaborate gourmet meals for his family that he can’t even eat for dietary restrictions, or also cleaning the kitchen before and after these meals despite his frequent requests for assistance that go ignored, or providing the family with financial security). When approached about his concerns, she simply tells him to “pray about it” as though the primary reason for her lack of empathy or intimacy is due to some Godly plan and out of her control.

He’s the reason that I check my phone when I wake up in the morning, and why I would stay up late at night (since he’s 3 time zones behind me). I can’t wait to talk to him, but it’s not like butterflies, it’s so much more. It’s a calmness, a feeling of comfort, a feeling of home. This is where my ideas, my fantasies, my weird half-thought musings belong. This is the one person I could literally tell anything to and he would never react negatively.

One night, when we were both drinking copiously, our conversation definitely went over the line and we were risqué in our behavior. We’d never been that racy with one another before, and the conversation was intense. He passed out with his phone in his hand, though, and his wife read our messages for an hour before waking him up. She’d removed me from his friends list on Facebook. She screamed at him, and was incredibly upset (understandably). He was forbidden from talking to me anymore.

We spent three years confiding in one another all day long, every day.. and suddenly, we’re not supposed to have any contact. She was right in her actions, I’m not denying that, but to me it was like the wind was knocked out of my chest. It still feels like I can’t breathe sometimes.

He still risks everything to sneak messages to me, and I created a Facebook group for him as a safe place to be able to send the pictures of the nerdy things he loves, the gorgeous food he makes, or the places he’s visiting, without too much worry of his wife wondering who he is texting. Things just aren’t the same anymore, though.

He’s like a beaten dog, afraid to take a treat or he’ll get swatted with the newspaper. He doesn’t speak freely to me anymore. He hides his excitement and his passion most of the time, and he drinks a lot more than he used to and goes to the same Applebee’s several times a week because the bartender reminds him of me. He hides from his family, finds reasons not to be home, but doesn’t want to lose them, so he is just going to stick with it and hope for the best.

I understand that, and I never meant for any of this to happen, and the last thing I would want is for him to lose his daughter. However, my heart and soul belong to him. My entire being wants to be where he is and feels incomplete without the version of him I knew before.

He told me that since she caught us, that she’s been more intimate with him. In fact, he used the term “fucked (his) brains out” to describe the shift. He also confided that he still feels like something is missing. For three years, his primary concern was her lack of intimacy, but now that she’s being more intimate, he’s still not happy. His happiness is all that matters to me in this situation, and if this new-found intimacy did the trick, then my pain would feel worthwhile.

I feel like there’s this immovable weight on my chest and it’s so hard to get through each day without sharing every single detail with him. I feel like when I message him that I’m putting him at risk, that I’m going to fuck up his life more, that I’m going to be the reason he loses his daughter. I feel like I’m bugging him, or being a nuisance, or that I should block him for his own good.

I never wanted to be a home-wrecker, but the tears fall down my face when I think about the trouble I’ve caused him.

Every single fiber of my being loves every single fiber of his being. Every part of my soul begs to be united with his. He’s the one I’ve searched my whole life for, but he found her first. I wish this hurt would go away and that I could just start feeling better, but I think soon, I may just have to rip the Band-Aid off and let him go.

 

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