I’ve lost it all completely

I honestly have lost control of my life, I know I have a lot of people for care for me but lately I just feel so alone. I feel like it’s affecting everyone around me, I hardly know how to act the way I did before without having people throw a few “are you okey” and a couple of “if you need anything, I’m there for you”. I know I’ve had depression problems for most of my life and I guess it ended last year but I feel like it might not have ended, I’m so confused with everything, I’m all of a sudden short tempered and all I can think about is “The only way I can survive this is by doing what I’ve been doing my whole life”. And I know it’s not the solution but I’m really hopeless, I even grew an interest in tattoos and piercings and I’m pretty serious about getting them but it’s hard convincing my mom. There are so many reasons why I want tattoos, mostly just to take away my inner pain and to remind me of how beautiful life is. 

The hardest part about all this is knowing my boyfriend is already going through shit and he knows I’m not okey but I don’t know how to tell him and I don’t want to be a barren on him or anything like that, and now it’s almost as if we have this huge elephant in the room that it’s so hard to even have normal conversation.

I just don’t know who to turn to, I can’t trust the people who call themselves my friends, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore and all I want is to not feel so hopeless in everything I do and I just want someone who can hear me out and help me.

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