social anxiety

Do I consider myself a shy person? Not really. I have no trouble opening myself up sometimes. And other times I’m just a metal cage with a hundred emotional locks. It is the process of opening up that is hard. Either you are on the wrong foot on the right one. One little screw up, and you start to feel awkward and thinking you must be so awkward. Sometimes it is easy breezy when you start on the right foot and you work your way through a conversation the way white people do in cafes on films. 

When it feels wrong, everything is just a mess. You realise you sound weird, you realise you sound off putting, you are using the wrong words, you are not articulating your message clearly, you making everyone around you feel awkward as well. I find myself to be a good judge of gaging the level of awkwardness in a situation, as I have been one many times. Sometimes I am the cause of it. In my freshman year of uni, I was waiting at the bus stop and a girl (whom I hardly spoke to) from my course came and sat down next to me as she said ‘Hi!’. I said ‘Hi’ back, and that was it, we waited sat together for the next 15 mins in silence. I had nothing to say, although my mind was racing with thoughts of different topics we could talk about. I know I make people feel weird, and I know it may sound like I’m over thinking this, but I’m realistic here. The looks I get, the body language, the slight nervousness that starts to sip out of them, the fake laughs, feigned interest, I’m susceptible to these signs.

In my uni, sometimes I try to cover up my awkwardness by talking about uni stuff, the essays and deadlines. Then I realise people must think that’s all I ever talk about. Well, I don’t know what else to say. 

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