labor day

I walked the dogs this morning. my daughter came by the house. I wish she could come without the boyfriend. Ugh. I would like to have her all to myself. I worked at school a couple of hours yesterday and I graded a class of notebooks last night. I still have one  class to go. I found a few good labs online yesterday. I am going to try to  do lots of activities with the kids.

I might be having dinner with Brent. He said he will go if his floors are done. I am so sick of begging him to see me, but I just don’t know what else to do. All I want is for my family to be back together. I am so frustrated with him. He is acting stupid by treating me this way. I can’t understand what his reason is for rejecting me like this. All I want is a fucking chance. How is that bad? 

I wish I could go back to not caring. I wish I didn’t even think about him. I wish I could go back to no giving a shit about him. 

Later, that same day…

Well, I guess I got it straight from the mother fucking horse’s mouth that he is not going to give me a chance. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I have got to get past this. I have never been in such a bad position before. Maybe, possibly when Craig and I broke up because I was so involved with him I had no friends but him. Now I am alone and the friends that I’ve had for the past few years, are no longer my friends. Whatever. I need to find new friends but I’m not sure how to do that. 

I have to get past this thing with Brent. I just have to. I have to forget about him and move forward. I need to think about all the shitty stuff about him and focus on that. 

Starting tomorrow I am never texting that mother fucker again. Never. Not even if his goddam mother dies, I am not contacting him. I have to stop. I have to stop. I have to stop.

I have to find other things to occupy myself. 

3 thoughts on “labor day”

  1. re program his number under the name “dontanswer” or something that will snap you into the realization that you shouldn’t answer like “butthole” or “liar” or “selfish” it worked for me I changed my ex’s name to “unreal” because he could never keep it real.. and instead of getting sentimental seeing a random text from him.. if he did text or call it came up in the contacts as the what it really was “unreal” best wishes.. its never easy closing a door that we know we should.. but just remember the new one that opens is bigger and better…

  2. Thank you for the advice. I deleted his name from my phone. I highlighted today on my calendar because today is going to be day 1 of me never contacting him again. I swear, I don’t care if his fucking mother dies, I will not contact him.

  3. I think you are really brave for confronting yourself and admitting to yourself that things are over and that you deserve better than the way that he has been treating you. It’s never easy at all to close the doors to someone that used to mean a lot to you, but people change and can act like total dickheads and assholes. You deserve more than that, a happiness that comes from your own soul rather than someone who brings it to you and has the power to take it away. I believe that once you really understand how you feel about yourself and what makes you happy on your own terms, then you can connect with someone else without putting expectations onto them and be able to be with them in a way that is free, easy and loving without the dramatic endings. Keep focusing on yourself and tell yourself how much better off you are without this person and how you have the power to make yourself happy on your own terms and in your own way. Because you do! 🙂

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