Sex And Self Esteem

My whole life I’ve been self conscious. From my laugh to my body hair. Ive never been comfortable with myself. Ever. I don’t think i ever will be to be completely honest. But it was not until i started having sex sophomore summer, that my self esteem plummeted to an all time low. After it happened i didn’t eat. I felt sick. I felt gross. But things gradually went back to normal. But the second time, the second time changed everything for me. It changed my perspective on everything. I went from having some confidence to nothing. I was cutting myself again, and carving names into my thigh. I still do sometimes. See, my problem is that I’m impulsive. I really do not think before i do shit. Like having sex for instance. Ive had sex with some pretty scummy people. But they made me feel good at the time. And i felt like if i didn’t have sex i wasn’t pretty or good enough. I became dependent on it. But then i realized i was just hoeing myself out pretty much (only to two guys at the time). I began to hate myself i worried about my appearance even more and didn’t really want to leave the house. Sex has really made me more depressed. I feel horrible most the time, because i have sex with people who don’t give a damn if i live or die. I have unprotected sex with a guy who has fucked two of my friends. Ive had sex with two individuals and i don’t even know their last names. I cut myself almost everytime i have sex. But yet i still continue to do it. Why? I don’t know maybe i do it to feel beautiful and wanted in that moment. But in the end it isn’t even worth it. But yet here i am still doing it. Now i know this post made me seem like a complete whore. But in all honesty my body count is 7. In a years time span. Now that is a lot for a 17 year old. But it could be worse right ?? I do get checked frequently, and i know I’m on a dangerous path. I just need help changing my ways. I need to love myself.

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