coverup

Under Fire for not Overexposing.

The day was as normal, it passed by pretty quickly actually and then became long. My boyfriend was having a bad day. It all started with yesterday, Fathers Day. You see my boyfriend was adopted as a kid and he only met his dad about a year ago and lets just say he’s not the ideal dad we all picture in our heads. Instead of the caring and kind he got drunk and disorderly. He like me suffers from depression. But his way of dealing with things are completely different. I hold in all my emotions, if people ask me I’m honest but i never let it all out i give them a one eighth of my emotions and if I’m overwelmed i turn to liquor. And it all goes away. Recently I’ve been writing on this and its helped quite a lot. My boyfriend on the other hand is a bit of a whiner, which is taboo for me. I grew up in a household where we only showed real emotions when extremely bad news was given but even then we all hid our emotions from each other, he on the other hand is very open with his emotions and frankly for me it comes across as dramatic, its sad for me to say it but its how it looks for me, come to think of it i think its because I’m always hearing about his problems and they seem small compared to what I’ve seen. Anyhow Fathers day came to a close and i had spent most of the day trying to cheer him up, i figured as his girlfriend its my job to let him have his sook fest but then snap him out of it, by the end of the day he was stable enough for me to get a good nights sleep and not have to worry. 

Today i thought it was going to be a good day, there was no reason for anything to go wrong, then he got a lecture from his mum which put him the the worst of moods. So much so that he got reserved and when i tried to even talk he wasn’t all there, so i decided to tell him i would call him in 20 minutes but then i lost track of time and decided to bond with my brother, so we watched a movie together. When the movie finished i went to my bedroom and found my phone with 11 missed calls, i immediately called back and he was slightly annoyed, as the conversation went on things were lively for once and we were in our bubble then he noticed i had cleavage, i hadn’t noticed, then he asked me, “Can i see them?”. I know he’s my boyfriend and all but I’m wasn’t going to strip off especially with the technology these days (you can see how deep my trust issues go) not to mention i am I’m self conscious so i said, “No” at first he was playful and kept asking to the point where he got the message but he didn’t like it. He began telling me about his friends and how when he goes out it sucks and stuff like that and that was when i started to question whether he knew what he was getting into when he asked me out. I understand that he’s not a virgin and its been roughly a year since he last had sex, so i asked him, does he want to be in this or not? because if not then we could say goodnight and goodbye then and there. Eventually he came back down to earth and I’m assuming he realised he was thinking out loud and basically sharing all his thoughts, which evidently really got me thinking whether he is the right one for me or not.

We ended the night on a good note.. eventually (I stood my ground and didn’t strip) but i couldn’t help but analyse everything, for one i hated how all the past days stress was kind of taken out on me, and just listening to his thoughts gave me an insight to how he is and its giving me a whole new perspective on him and I’m not sure i like it. For Gods sake he was talking about possible cheating, like i don’t have big enough trust issues. I really do like him but its so new that I’m going to see it out.
I must say that i am proud of myself that i didn’t fall into the pressure and did something i would have regretted, I can say that i stood my ground.

Goodnight Journal. 

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