I found this in an old notebook, so thought it was worth sharing. I don’t really remember writing this…or the entry that followed it, but it looks like it was around this time last year which explains a lot.
I pick up the pieces
And glue them back in place
It’s hard to make them fit again
After they started to break
I build myself back up,
Telling myself I’m stronger than before
But each paper thin fix makes me hollow even more
I’m not sure what’s inside me now
But smashed hopes and false smiles
I look into the mirror and tell myself, “You’re fine.”
I’m still that broken girl who keeps going back for more
“Approval, I need approval,” My soul screams
Until everything is sore
Drowning out the noise is something new – something fun
Covering my ears even though my screams aren’t from my lungs
The white noise inside my head becomes so loud I can’t think
I just lean against the door and wait for it all to break
Shattered glass and broken dreams
I can pick them up off the floor
I can fit them back in place if I mend it even more
The approval’s never coming, but my mind won’t let it be
I’ll keep feeling hollow
Even as I put more gauze layers on the outside
But when something’s empty
Why do I even try?
No blood comes from the pieces that fall
Because I have nothing inside
No heart, no soul –
Just hopes and dreams
And telling myself lies
“I can make it through”
These phrases become mantras until my voice, I lose
I can sit and scream and rage
And yet they sit and ignore
It’s okay if your daughter’s empty
If she’s broken, if she’s battle worn
All that matters is that it pays off
You broke her till she ran dry
Off and on again – no more tears
It doesn’t help to cry
You refuse to pay for treatments for the damage you have done
While you rule over reactions like the tyrant that you are
You don’t see why anything is useful,
Because it isn’t about you.
Why let someone build a dream when you have none to lose?
And the entry following it was just labeled “Stress”:
With a blood pressure of 180/143 and a pulse of 82 waking up, it’s easy to say that I’m not feeling very normal today. Dizzy, chest pain, I can feel my pulse in my throat. It’s like I woke up with a state of panic, and it isn’t going away. Add onto this four final exams, one art chapter due today, a final paper due today for International Law, and an event to go to for my Spanish course…and you could say I’m panicking. I always put myself in these situations. It’s like my life thrives on the anxiety and stress that comes from my family life and school. Somehow I always make it through it. My grades might suffer, which make me feel worse when it’s all over.
All I know is that it isn’t fun, but it’s all I know. I only know how to function when I’m panicking, because when I’m not panicking, I just feel sad and lethargic. I don’t want to move, get out of bed. Do anything. I’m in a constant state of depression or anxiety, and a good day is rare and in between. It isn’t fun, and I’d like it to stop. It always feels like my brain is in a haze, like life is a haze. Maybe it’s partially medicinal, but part of it isn’t.
The part that isn’t is the part that I don’t like.