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I’m Made of Layers of Gauze and Paper

I found this in an old notebook, so thought it was worth sharing. I don’t really remember writing this…or the entry that followed it, but it looks like it was around this time last year which explains a lot.

~

I pick up the pieces 

And glue them back in place 

It’s hard to make them fit again 

After they started to break 

 

I build myself back up, 

Telling myself I’m stronger than before 

But each paper thin fix makes me hollow even more 

 

I’m not sure what’s inside me now 

But smashed hopes and false smiles 

I look into the mirror and tell myself, “You’re fine.” 

 

I’m still that broken girl who keeps going back for more 

“Approval, I need approval,” My soul screams 

Until everything is sore 

 
Drowning out the noise is something new – something fun 

Covering my ears even though my screams aren’t from my lungs 

The white noise inside my head becomes so loud I can’t think 

 

I just lean against the door and wait for it all to break 

Shattered glass and broken dreams 

I can pick them up off the floor 

I can fit them back in place if I mend it even more 

 
The approval’s never coming, but my mind won’t let it be 

I’ll keep feeling hollow 

Even as I put more gauze layers on the outside 

But when something’s empty 

Why do I even try? 

 

No blood comes from the pieces that fall 

Because I have nothing inside 

No heart, no soul – 

Just hopes and dreams 

And telling myself lies 

 

“I’m strong” 

“I’m brave” 

“I can make it through” 

These phrases become mantras until my voice, I lose 

 

I can sit and scream and rage 

And yet they sit and ignore 

It’s okay if your daughter’s empty 

If she’s broken, if she’s battle worn 

 

All that matters is that it pays off 

You broke her till she ran dry 

Off and on again – no more tears 

It doesn’t help to cry 

 

You refuse to pay for treatments for the damage you have done 

While you rule over reactions like the tyrant that you are 

You don’t see why anything is useful, 

Because it isn’t about you. 

Why let someone build a dream when you have none to lose?

 

~

 

And the entry following it was just labeled “Stress”:

With a blood pressure of 180/143 and a pulse of 82 waking up, it’s easy to say that I’m not feeling very normal today. Dizzy, chest pain, I can feel my pulse in my throat. It’s like I woke up with a state of panic, and it isn’t going away. Add onto this four final exams, one art chapter due today, a final paper due today for International Law, and an event to go to for my Spanish course…and you could say I’m panicking. I always put myself in these situations. It’s like my life thrives on the anxiety and stress that comes from my family life and school. Somehow I always make it through it. My grades might suffer, which make me feel worse when it’s all over. 

 

All I know is that it isn’t fun, but it’s all I know. I only know how to function when I’m panicking, because when I’m not panicking, I just feel sad and lethargic. I don’t want to move, get out of bed. Do anything. I’m in a constant state of depression or anxiety, and a good day is rare and in between. It isn’t fun, and I’d like it to stop. It always feels like my brain is in a haze, like life is a haze. Maybe it’s partially medicinal, but part of it isn’t. 

 

The part that isn’t is the part that I don’t like.

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