I hope that you find time to read this.
**(And finish it, ples 🙁 ty ) Scroll down.**
To that guy who made me feel like I’m in a roller coaster ride with all the UPs, DOWNS and TURNINGs of emotions.. You made me feel ill and addicted to the adrenaline of hyped moments both at the same time. You made me laugh, you made me cry and with the most dominant feels throughout this ride – all sorts of confusion. All these feelings squeezed in not even a year since we met but I was never mad nor hateful. I was just deeply confused in many phases of our so called ‘story’.
To the guy who made me feel special by giving me his time even though he’s sleepless or tired. There were a lot of times when I prolong a conversation just to make him stay a little bit more.. He never complained. Though I know it was a bit selfish but can you blame a girl if the guy is indomitable? I can feel the effort that he is giving even if he’s a hundred miles away. I never had that. I never had that feeling of someone also willing to give their time to you just to make you happy regardless of how tired, sleepless and how busy they are because all we know is that everyone has their own lives to live and having someone ride your life with you, it’s really overwhelming. There were also moments where your timing is indefinably perfect. Like, when I want to talk to someone, you’ll be there to be my company.
To the guy who gave me spontaneity and became my personal mood changer.. You taught me how to smile and laugh even in the midst of a bad mood. You always have that positive aura which pulled me up whenever I’m in the pit of negativity. There’s this one time where you went online. It was midday, a rare sight of your nocturnal self. You went online and I asked “aga mo ah? bakit ang aga mo?” then you said “bababa kami” “ahh, natuloy pala kayo. bakit nag ol ka pa?” I asked. “baka kasi mag antay/abang ka mamaya eh hindi ako makakapag online” you jokingly said. Which is true juju. Then you said you need to leave na and that you are going to be away for a couple of days and will be slightly unreachable because you will be going out with some friends, and I said “oh, okay. Ingat po kayo“, then and there you immediately felt how my sort of ‘tone’ was and jokingly you asked if you could get my number so that I could talk to you even if you’re away so that I won’t be sad (I just had to sly a smile as I’m typing this damn it. juju). A few hours after the conversation, my phone lit up… All of this started with a joke of calling each other ‘bh3’ , ‘bhe’ , and ended with ‘B’. Ever since then, whenever my phone lights up, it’s always you. And whenever you’re going somewhere, you will always tell me and you will always send me a text and we’ll talk whole day, whole night. It’s as if we couldn’t get enough of each other.
(I never really delete text messages (since messages are all saved in my iCloud. – Just in case you were wondering why I still have this <.< and No. I don’t back read past messages. Only for the purpose of this story.)
You used to light up my phone at night and every time you went away, there will always be a text message. You always knew how to handle things when a certain situation will affect me in some way. There was never a dull moment. You know how to make me smile and what makes me laugh. And what touches me the most is that you remember the things that I said to you; Witnessing it a few months later. You remembered how I don’t like to be cursed at no matter how much I curse at people. That every time you talk to me, you refrain for saying such things, and if it slys through a conversation you will quickly change it so that it won’t offend me. You remembered what my flaws are and what are the things that I do and don’t like. You paid attention to every rant and stories that I told you even though most of them have no sense at all. You never really cared if I snored, or did something stupid. Every flaw that I showed you, you accepted it in a way that I wouldn’t feel insecure or conscious of who and what I am.
–9:12 am, 3/15/2017–
Almost 2 years has passed, I could still remember that night how we both ended up telling how much we liked each other. I was feeling a bit down that you hadn’t texted nor pmed me yet (puta clingy). Later that afternoon, my phone lit up, it was you (as expected). I was happy.
You were out with your friends, you said you were going to a birthday party. I wasn’t really asking about the full details but it felt as if you wanted me to know. You were very open about things and that you’re comfortable talking to me; I liked it. The party didn’t had any alcohol and I asked “what’s a party without beer?
That time, I was already falling for you..
We spent the whole night texting after and it came to a sense that we wanted to tell something but couldn’t.. maybe because we’re too afraid of knowing the truth whether good or bad. So when an opportunity struck, you went for it. I wasn’t really ready to confess on that particular day, I was busy gagging on a PewDiePie video, but you kind of forced me to. After hours of pangungulit, I decided to to start typing what I feel. I was really cautious because I wasn’t really sure if that’s what you wanted to hear. But in the middle of the message, I just dived and went along with it not really caring on what you might think or feel, all I wanted was for you to know. It took me hours to send it to you, haha. When I finally did, the agony for your reply was slowly eating me up.. thinking “fuck, this is the end for me”. I was thinking that if I say it now, tomorrow maybe awkward. I don’t want that. I really didn’t want you to go away, so I made sure. You told me that you wouldn’t let that happen. And you sure did.
Morning came, I texted you my answer, I didn’t get a reply until later that day. There was a point where you said you already fell asleep waiting for what I wanted to say, but God, did I feel relieved when I read your message.
Days came by and nothing changed. We just got closer and closer. I remember a certain day where you had this vulnerable moment. You played songs that are so nakakadurog in a sense that it made a soul cry even if they’re not broken. COLDPLAY SONGS BRO and some pinch of the 90s. I remembered asking you “bakit yan ang mga pinapatugtog mo?” you replied “it’s just one of those days na masarap makinig ng ganito“. I listened to the songs that you played, I liked it and it made me fall asleep. You made sure that I’m in a deep sleep before you left and went home.
I had a lot of good memories with you, even if you were far away and I couldn’t see you. I can’t remember one bad memory where like, you pissing me off. There were no days like that. You were so perfect that it made me fall in love. But I’ll tell you a secret. I didn’t want to be in one of these (during that time). Anything that smells and tastes like commitment.. I didn’t want to get attached. There was a point that I just said to myself, “No, ayoko. I can’t do this to myself again”. I wasn’t ready. There were A LOT of times where I just want to avoid you, but I couldn’t because you were too stubborn and, yeah, fun to be with and to talk with.
Days were running during November, 2015. It went by so fast that I couldn’t even get a breather. You were persistent during the last days of November. One good memory was when you asked if you could court me Formally. I was in the car with my parents, I couldn’t talk nor scream from the giddiness. That’s when I knew who you really were. It was really a happy day. Until that one particular day came where everything just fell apart. We were on our way home from Tuguegarao, after a certain (small) misunderstanding made it fall apart – It made you think, for some reason (or at least that’s what I thought it happened). You didn’t text, pm nor called and you were off the grid. You left and didn’t tell me what’s wrong not until 2 weeks later. I’m going to say that it was not easy and that it was one of the most painful sh*t that I felt ranking second next to ‘I broke up with my ex’. Because I got attached. I told myself “ito na nga ba yung sinasabi ko. Bakit ba ang tigas ng ulo mo?”. I felt stupid.
I gathered all the strength that I need to come and ask you what happened. It was a long message. I’m not going to lie. I cried. A lot. I messaged you and I was so scared of the answer. All I could remember from that conversation was you saying:
“Let’s stop. Not necessarily stop but slow it down“
“May naisip lang ako na this is not going to work“
You said some other things but these are the words that I couldn’t get off of my head. Again, It hurt. A lot. It gave me reasons to feel unworthy.. that I am easily shrugged and brushed off by anyone.. I felt insecure for a while.. It killed me slowly. For months it haunted me even after that conversation we became “okay” again.
January 3, 2016, my parents and few friends planned a trip to Baguio to celebrate my 21st birthday. It’s been years since I last got there. I told you that we were going somewhere but didn’t tell you exactly where. I don’t want you to think and feel obligated to see me just because I’m there so I kept it a secret not until you texted me “Kumusta? Nakarating na kayo?” I replied “Yup. Haha” then It just slide through the conversation and you learned that I was in your hometown. We texted the whole night, querying to every tourist question I asked you. You sounded like you were happy that I was there. Morning came, you texted me, asked if how my first day went and which places I’ve gone in to. I told you every detail even the place where we stayed. Then I asked if you know a place where we can buy some pandesal and eagerly pointed out places where we can get one. So my friends and I went out. It was super cold 12 or 13 deg I think? We were not used to that kind of weather so I brought 2 jackets, just in case. We were walking on a street around Engineer’s hill, it was literally a hill. Super Killer Uphill. Just a few feet away from the peek of the hill, I saw this guy, wearing a dark/navy blue hoodie. He stared right back. The whole time that I was walking my way up the hill, I was staring at this guy Only to learn that it was you. Again, we didn’t plan any meet ups or something. I didn’t even tell you where I was so did you. For a moment it felt magical.. And it was my first time seeing you in person. That time I wanted to ask you if we could see each other but I didn’t. I was scared, though I tried but you were on your way to the hospital to aid your sister. To this day I still can’t forget that moment. I think it was really the perfect setup. It kind of felt that I was in the right place at the right time. Maybe it was meant to happen ng ganon lang (nabading na ‘ko leche).
February of 2016, my family made plans to go back there. I’m not going to lie, I expected that we could meet there but 2 days before our trip, you weren’t home. During this time, again, you left and didn’t hear anything from you for Months. From there I said to myself “I’m not going to let this one pull me down.. again”.
3 months has passed, there were no signs of you and I could say that I finally got you out of my system. It was around April, if I’m not mistaken, that a certain thing happened yet again. Me and my cousin went to the 1st international Reggae Festival in MOA. It was unplanned, actually. It just so happens that me and my cousin wanted to take a stroll along there because it’s been a while since we last hung out. I remembered that day that it was the reggae fest and went to check the place and decided to buy 2 gold tickets to experience it (it was our first time to attend such event rin). I don’t know. Somehow, though in denial, I was looking for your face in the crowd. I was disappointed and thought that you weren’t going (since you were the one who introduced me to that event) not until a little later, out of the many people dancing and walking around the area, I saw you. I knew it was you because I confirmed it when I checked some tags of the event. You were wearing that colorful white shirt just like how I saw you. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t even tell my cousin that you were there. I just pretended that that didn’t really happen.
After the Reggae fest, my friend from league pmed me a screenshot of my room in Garena. You went in there daw. At first I didn’t believe him and told him that what he’s saying is stupid and that you’re too prideful to be going in there. I saw the photo, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t know how to react. But I felt a small hint of anger. A little over a week ago before that incident (and the Reg. fest), I dreamt of you. During this time, you were totally out of my mind and I can say that I forgot about you. Pero napanaginipan kita. I woke up from that dream, I stared at the ceiling and began to cry like a baby. I don’t know what hit me but all I could feel that time was pain. I cried the whole night which led to 2 puffy eyes the next day.
So yun nga.. You were back, for real. You went in (slowly) in my room as if checking if I was there. You did that a couple of times and went out immediately after learning that I was there. But as the days progressed, you just stayed there. I didn’t know why, at first. I was too afraid to ask you literally anything.. So I just decided to say “hi”. During this time, yung feeling na, okay na ako.. Nawala. Suddenly I was NOT OKAY. I started to question things. “Why are you here?” , “What do you want?” , “Are you here to prove something?” , “Why did you come back?”. I was told to ask you immediately habang nadun ka pa. But I was so scared. So scared that you’d leave and everything will still be unanswered.
Lumipas yung buwan, unti unti kang bumalik. Ayoko man nung una, pero hindi ko na rin pinigilan kasi gusto ko makuha yung sagot. In just weeks, we’re back as if nothing has happened. Everyday ulit tayo nagkakausap. Long conversations and kulitan. It felt surreal. Tapos bigla na lang akong nakaramdam ng “teka, bakit ganito? Ayoko na ng ganito.” Kasi, I knew that If I continued to cater that kind of feeling again, the fear of you leaving, won’t be a doubtful scene. August, 2016. you knew this time that we we’re going to Baguio. Magkausap tayo ‘non. Pinipilit kita na magpakita kasi minsan lang ako nand’on. Sabi mo “sige, pero sa malayo lang, kakawayan lang kita tapos aalis na ‘ko.” Pero hindi ganun yung nangyari. Inantay mo ko ng pagkatagal tagal dun sa 711. Grabe sobrang hiya ko pero puta, iba. Hahaha. Nakita kita duon. Nadaanan kita, hindi ko alam gagawin ko, tapos lumabas ako ng store, nasa harap na kita. Ngumiti ka at may apir pa. Hahaha
Natutunan ko, sa mga buwan na lumipas, na ayaw mo ng ganito. So I started to make a little scene for me to have a reason to stay away from you. That was around September. After that, we didn’t talk too much na. It hurt again but not as painful as the first and second ones. Though I still cried but only a little. Hehe. October and November went by.. I can’t help but not think of what happened nuong 2015. It made me feel and think of how much I used to like you.
–12:20 pm, 3/22/2017–
It’s hard, really. It’s hard to be around you, even up to this day.. but I’m really glad that this time you stayed. Even if it means that we have to pretend like nothing happened.. pretend that all the we said were all false.. It’s hard to pretend. Ang hirap. Haha iniisip ko minsan, “tae, ako na lang yung ganito.. Bakit ako lang? Bakit ako?” Baliw na ata ako haha.
Though I know that you’re okay (because you said so and, I can feel it rin naman).. and I’m glad that you are. I’ve been very clingy and demanding lately and I know that it annoys you na at times. Ramdam ko minsan yung pagka-Annoy mo. Pero you still try to not be rude. Thank you for being so bait. 🙁 Kahit Kadalasan sobrang kulit ko, sobrang annoying ko, minsan iniisip ko kung ano iniisip mo.. kung naiirita ka na ba o ano haha (alam kong oo) pero gusto ko lang ng oras mo. I don’t know why. Or maybe because I really enjoy your company. Still, thank you for tolerating me.. Maiintindihan/Naiintindihan ko na if suddenly you stop talking to me. Ako na lang naman yung ganito . Pero masaya ako na nandito ka pa rin, despite my clingy-ness, yung mga pag pm ko ng random shits sayo na nakakatuwa kasi kahit mukhang tanga, pinapanuod mo pa rin LAHAT. Thank you..
Thank you for everything, basically. hehe. You made me believe in things that I thought na hindi ko na paniniwalaan. I think that’s the main reason why I met you (haha putangina, ang bading na talaga). You made me believe that even in the darkest of places, the hard exterior of people, there’s still kindness and there’s still so many reasons to smile and be happy about. Positivity.
At this point, I understood what you mean by ‘malayo’ .. ‘ang layo’. We weren’t on the same page when it comes to lifestyles and other things in life. I didn’t think of that until the last talk that we had (yung tinanong kita – Finally. Natanong na kita.). I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know, but you weren’t hard to Love. Lalo na nung nakita ko yung vulnerable side mo. You’re too hard to dodge :(. Yung tawa mo ring nakakahawa, punyeta. You gave me time even if there’s nothing left for yourself. I’m super needy at that. For me, it was more than enough – Thank you, I really don’t know what else to say but thank you.
I’m sorry if I tried too much because it kind of felt like it’s worth the risk.. kahit hanggang ngayon. Though I tried being with someone else.. but we weren’t walking at the same pace.
Still, Thank you for trying. Thank you for coming back and for explaining things to me like, why you have to leave and why you came back (though it wasn’t the reason that I was expecting and you said that you also felt that I wanted more. Tama ka ‘don).
Sorry If ganito pa rin ako. I’m just one of those people who, takes time to leave things. KMS, right? D:
By the time I finish this God-awful-ultra-long-post, I’m going to start and be ‘okay‘. And by the time I let you read this one, I hope I’m okay na.