When you spoke those words I thought I was dreaming. A nightmare! I wanted to wake up and be told it was all a dream. I didn’t though, I wasn’t sleeping, dreaming, I wasn’t anything but stuck in that space between us when you said those words. I was shocked. It was the beginning of a full weekend of what was to be a fun weekend. Our daughter was getting married in two days and we were there to celebrate this with our daughter, with family. Instead, you announced we are divorcing and for the next four days I had to “fake” my happiness and never cry in front of our children. Every minute that weekend was like a slow death. I had to keep silent, not cry, learn to smile when my world crumbled. But … I survived that weekend. I survived telling our son. I survived you telling our daughter when she returned from her honeymoon. NOTHING has been normal since those words were spoken.
Now I am almost four months from that horrible weekend. I am four months into learning how to be single and live alone again. I am four months from losing my marriage, the man I loved, my security, my family, my children and so many more things….I am devastated today. still….
We had mediation which was ordered by the court. You didn’t want to give me half. You said I didn’t “earn” it. I didn’t “deserve” it. You said it wasn’t “fair” and you are right. None of this is right or fair. No one (but you) won. Your love of money is at the root of my pain. I was awarded half because that is the law. I didn’t ask for me. The truth is my attorney wanted to go to trial because he said I’d be awarded more than half. I refused. I stated that half is all I wanted. The money I got is used for my retirement since you felt for twenty years I didn’t need to set up my own retirement. What an idiot I was for believing you. You stated to the mediating attorney “she took half my money. This isn’t fair. I’ll make sure the kids know.” That was on a Thursday. By Saturday neither of our children will speak to me. To this day I’ve not got to speak to them. They won’t return my calls, texts or emails. Our son did say “I love you but I am very unhappy with the outcome of the mediation.” I’m upset and unhappy too. I never wanted this. I never wanted half even. I wanted our life. Our family. You wanted……….her.
I wrote you this weekend to tell you that I loved you and I don’t regret our life. You wrote back telling me how untrue that is and how you tried and that it is all my fault. You said you didn’t want a divorce because of Catherine. Well, I find it funny how you met her, started a relationship and then within six weeks had to have a divorce and now it is all my fault. No I’m not innocent and have made my own mistakes. I have failed time and time again as a person but I never would turn my back on you. I would never destroy my family the way you did. We agreed many years ago to not hurt our children. You failed miserably but you don’t know it yet. You, once again, have demonstrated that your love of money comes before anything and anyone else in existence. I think you would prostitute your mother for $1. So now I’m stuck with my children not speaking to me over MONEY! I’m sure there is more to that but I don’t know it yet.
You said I lied to get what I wanted. I never did lie. I admitted every failing I’ve have had to my attorney. I have admitted my own faults. The mediator said “we aren’t here to hash out who said or did this or that. The reason we are here is to split your property. No one cares why the marriage ended.” So there you go….I didn’t have to make up any story or lie in the case. You, however, wailed and screamed that it was all my fault, that you supported me in my last degree that you did all the cooking and cleaning. Well, yeah….that is what married people do. You never complained when I took out loans to cover money lost when I was at the hospital working for my degree. You never complained once. You just said “We will pay this off.” Now you are pissed because you had to cook and clean? What an ass.
I will survive this somehow. I will make it. I will, I hope one day have a relationship with our children. In time they will be angry and hurt that you shared so much. I told them I refuse to talk shit about you. Why? Because they deserve to have their relationship with you based on you being their father. They deserved the same from you but you are so blinded by your belief that money will keep you warm you traded their relationship with me to make you feel better. You are the perpetual victim. You are a child stuck in a mans body. You are your mother all over again.
You now claim the Jesus angle. You said “my Lord will protect me. I have confessed all my sins to Him, my children, family, coworkers and friends.” Like that makes it all better. I’m seen as crap because I refuse to discuss my marriage, divorce and private matters with our children. Here is a clue for you: Our marriage and divorce is between me and you…NOT OUR CHILDREN. I don’t hate you though. I feel sorry for you. Now that you have confessed you can have your love affair with Catherine without guilt. Go ahead and have it. Enjoy it and know this: There will come a day you regret your decision to hurt our children. One day…..you will be sitting somewhere alone and thinking and it will dawn on you that maybe ruining my relationship with our children was wrong. You hurt them more than you could ever hurt me. You did it for money. you did it because you felt like you didn’t “win” and I have news for you….no one won. No one. Well….maybe Catherine but…..she will have her own karma. You deserve each other.
Our children deserved a father who protects their hearts. They deserved the freedom to have a relationship with both parents regardless of the outcome of a divorce. You are absolutely free to make you own life choices but that doesn’t mean you are free from the consequences. You wanted Catherine 100%….it cost you 50% of your highly loved money. And let’s be honest, it isn’t like it was that much money. Sure, I will invest and I will make money but that is my retirement. I hope I’m more successful than ever in this phase of my life and I hope you regret letting me go. I hope you are happy…………..The price of your happiness is coming………just wait. I feel sorry for you. You are a sick and petty man.