Briefing the Chaos That is Now My Life

So… I am 7 months into my separation from my husband, and I still love him. I don’t know if I can be with him, and I don’t know if he even wants to be with me. He seems aloof from my perspective; and for lack of a non-neandertal description of how that makes me feel  – it fucking sucks.

I’m living with my parents while I try to figure out my life. I haven’t lived at home for almost a decade… and at 30 years-old, here I am again. It is humiliating, despite the understandable circumstances that I realize I’m in. I have not gotten to that place where I start being easier on myself and stop resisting all this change.

The best part is that I don’t even have anywhere to process this huge spectrum of emotions that is constantly yanking me around. Why? I don’t have a bedroom. AKA no privacy and no place for any of my stuff. Everything I do is open for judgement, comments, questions, and suggestions… none of which are ever lacking. 

Oh, and my brother (who is 2 years younger than me) also lives here because… well, he basically never moved out. It’s nice having him here for lots of reasons… but he’s also a little shit and drives me insane. Especially the more comfortable he gets to me being here. He’s not a normal functioning human being by anyone’s definition, which I’m sure will come up in some capacity through my ramblings.

Anyways… I lost my job about a month before H and I separated, and I got another VERY part-time job about a month later, but as of a few months ago, I’ve been laid off of that one as well. Shit isn’t looking fantastic in my nook of the world right now.

I’m struggling hardcore and I am not going to pretend otherwise. I know I am doing some irresponsible things to try to “get through this” – even though I am fully aware that my methods of dealing are not productive. Some of them are downright counter-productive when it gets down to it.

I know that I should be making different/better choices… but it’s like I’m shoving that knowledge as far away as I can, grabbing some random temporary fulfilment, and jumping off the cliff before my sense can return.

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