always

The beginning.

This is the first entry of my first ever journal….. well online anyways. I’m going to try and put my innermost thoughts and feelings here. A way of expressing myself without fear of judgement. (well not to my face anways)

3 months ago, my beautiful 18 year old son, died by suicide. It has been the longest 3 months of my life. I feel as if I have been given a life sentence, where there’s no being let out early for good behaviour. The days are long and tiresome. I am, at most times, on auto pilot. However, a day or two ago, it suddenly hit me, I mean, really hit me. It’s not like I had forgotten, or playing at make-believe. I think I have been so pre-occupied with keeping busy that now I feel so completely overwhelmed. 

Yesterday was the day I actually said to myself  ‘I can’t do this’. ‘It’s too hard’ I can’t cope’

All I can see is this pit of despair and longing. For the tears to at least slow to a trickle. I know this is something I have to go through, But I shouldn’t have too, This wasn’t in the grand plan. The day my Son died, so did all the hope I had for him. As long as he was still here, there was always hope. I told him once, as along as we have faith, hope and love, we are the richest people. 

Today, has been a particularly bad day. Standing at the train station waiting for my 15 year old to come home from school and feeling the tears come. Standing there, surrounded by other people. I had to leave, to compose myself. Can’t have my son seeing me like that. Crikey, No!

I need to find my own way out of this, It will come, I’m sure of it. However, I know this much. I will always be a grieving mother.

 

 

2 thoughts on “The beginning.”

  1. Death is never easy and I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with the loss of your child. Big hugs to you! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  2. I am deeply sorry for your loss. The emotions your feeling are completely normal, everybody grieves differently. There is no wrong or right. I hope you are receiving the help you need from friends/family and even medical professionals. It may help to get some counselling to work through your emotions. Bless you darling, may god ease this huge sadness on your heart. Wishing you all the best xx

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