the other shoe

….may drop today. 🙁 

Today I meet with our son. Our child who is 17 and shouldn’t be a part of this mess. The child that we swore we would protect and not hurt. I haven’t said a word about our divorce or agreements. I’ve not talked about you or your new life. I have said only “I did not want this but I love your father enough to support him in him being happy.” Now since both our children have decided to not speak to me this meeting is huge. Thankfully I arranged a therapist for our son when you decided you needed a new life. I’m glad now I did that. He went and apparently it is good for him. True, he isn’t speaking to me but has asked me to come today to “talk” and I don’t know what that means. 

I am hours away from this meeting wondering what he wants to discuss. I have stood firm on the decision of our divorce is OUR divorce. Our children don’t need to be exposed to this or the decisions made in mediation. He did write me a text two weeks ago that said “i love you mom but I am very unhappy with the outcome of the mediation.” My question is; why does he even know about the mediation? Why was that so important to you? You decided to cloaked yourself in the bible and God now. That is your “get out jail free” card and that is fine but to manipulate our children makes you a sad man. 

I will go to the meeting and speak with my son. I will answer his questions best I can and I will try to stay strong no matter what is said. I will not defend myself in a way that is hostile no matter the fact that I wish I could be heartless and share all your secrets. My children deserve a relationship with you, their father based on your interactions with them and not how you have treated me. Everyone deserves a relationship with their parents that is as healthy as possible. You tainted my relationship already with them. I don’t know if this can be repaired. I don’t know what they think. I don’t know anything except they don’t and won’t speak to me. Our daughter has yet to reach out to me. 

I will admit that I refuse to be emotionally abused even by my children. I love them so much. I physically ache for them but I refuse to be their source of anger. If our children need to be mad then they can be mad at me for the $$$ part which was still fair and legal. I didn’t ask for more than what the law allows. Again, you are free to make your life choices but not free from the consequences. I know now that your anger about the settlement was more than you could stand. Your feel as if you have won by damaging my relationship with them, and in a lot of ways you have won, but the real damage is to them. They don’t see that now and probably won’t for years to come. They are not mature enough to see this and that is ok. Our daughter is 26 and just beginning her married life, our son is 17 and not even out of high school but both of them cannot comprehend what has happened. They have your side of the story and that is what they are reacting to. I cannot believe you did this to them. You can hate me for the mediation agreement but your decision to hurt them by driving this wedge will only serve as a source of pain for them for years to come. I don’t know when they will come around or if they ever will but I know YOU have to live with this decision. I still feel sorry for you. I still pity your life and even though it looks wonderful and lovely from the outside I know you have to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. There will come a day you regret doing this. I won’t know about it though; I’ll be living my life and hopefully will be happy and whole again. 

So……In about two hours I will speak to our son and try to make sense of all this. I hope you know that you have damaged a relationship that is sacred. Shame on you. 

**************

I am horrified to go this therapy session to hear my son. I don’t know anything besides he asked me to come to hear him out. It could be anything from I’m sad to I’m pissed. Probably both and then some is my guess. He is hurt and confused. Any child would be and I’m the adult and I’m hurt and confused. I expect there to be tears and I’ll probably leave feeling worse. I have to go though. I have to give him the opportunity to speak his mind and get it out. If he is angry then I need to hear that. My only hope and prayer is that the words I speak make sense and I say the right things. I don’t become so angry I say something I’ll regret. I refuse to use the ammunition I have against my husband to sway my son’s heart. I can only tell him I’m sorry, I’m sorry he is hurting and I’m sorry if I have been a part of that. I can only pray he will hear me and let me in. 

I . hate. divorce .

My husband says he is divorced…no you aren’t. The papers aren’t even filed in court. I don’t get him. He is already bringing his girlfriend around family. His mother (who has never liked me) seems to have befriended her. I don’t know why…she doesn’t like anyone. I spent the last 21 or so years trying to be her friend. And we were for a time and I loved her like a mother but as soon as he told her we were splitting up she cut me off. How could I have been part of that family for that long and now …… nothing. Not once has his parents reached out to me. Not once. no phone call. no text. no email. I’m not saying support me and take sides but I was….part of their family. They were the only family I had. My parents are dead and now I feel REALLY alone in the world. Coupled with the fact that my children aren’t speaking to me ………this is all too much. 

I don’t think I can take much more pain. I am not that strong. 

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP