Yesterday was horrifying. I went to the therapy meeting with my son. He was late but that gave me an opportunity to speak to the therapist one on one for a few minutes. She asked what I wanted to accomplish and I told her that I was asked by my son to be there. My goal was to hear him. Simply….listen. I have no agenda and my hope is that whatever he has been told about me would come to light but that it has to be on his terms. I did tell her that I have no intention of discussing the divorce or mediation with him. I stand firm on that isn’t his business or responsibility. Regardless of what he has been told ….don’t lose your temper and say something to protect yourself which would throw your husband under the bus. My son shows up about 20 minutes late because he couldn’t get out of the parking lot at school. The parking is terrible….another issue though.
When he arrived I was on edge. I remained seated on the little couch in this warm, homey space. The therapist has a beautiful office and you feel comfortable being there. So he walks in and opens his arms to me. I went to him and he hugged me so tight and kissed me and said “I love you momma, I’m so sorry.” That is how it started. He said he was very angry after learning about the mediation. He said that shutting me out was done so he could cool off. He realizes that I was worried which is why he texted that he was ok but that he couldn’t talk to me because he needed to sort things out. He said all that he was angry about isn’t important now. That he understands that things happen. He wanted to know about the truck. I told him what happened and then we discussed me signing it over to him. I had never intended to do anything different if he wanted it. His focus is on our relationship and nothing more. He said he doesn’t care about my and his dad’s problems. He said that all he wants is our relationship to grow and that “not having your mom to talk to has been really hard.”. This warms my heart. We have always been so close and THIS shows me that perhaps with all the hurt, all the anger from his father that we will survive. My daughter has yet to speak to me and that is ok. I can wait. It is her decision. She is older so it seems my husband has probably talked to her more in depth.
I did tell my son that I will always try to answer his questions. We spoke at great length about boundaries. We discussed the fact that it is ok to have boundaries within parent/child relationships. I told him that I will not say anything against his father. This was very hard for me. I wanted to scream what his dad has done. I wanted to show him the mountains of proof of his infidelities and lies. I wanted to show him the hateful emails, texts and all the other stuff. I didn’t though…I said : Your father and I loved one another for a very long time. I still love him. I may always love him and that is ok. I will not speak against him because he is a good father who loves you and has a good heart. He doesn’t need or deserve me to say things against him that will hurt your relationship with him. You deserve to have your father as he is and without my input. You deserve to have a healthy loving relationship with him. I honestly wanted to throw up saying those words. I can’t believe I made it through that part. As I left the meeting I felt like I did and said the right things. My son was so relieved and happy. We went for a burger and then he had to work. He has homecoming this weekend and I’ll be at the hospital working but he said he will send pictures. I have no doubt we will only be closer and stronger in our relationship because of this event.
What I find so very inspirational about all this is that when I saw my son yesterday and he said he wasn’t angry about everything as he was before I asked simply, “why? What changed to make you have peace and no anger.” He replied, “I prayed about it and realized that it doesn’t matter as much.”. I’m so NOT a religious person. I am probably one of the most anti-religion person but I do believe in God. I do pray. I don’t live the “christian” life in that I don’t go around acting “as if.” My relationship with God is simple and I don’t do church. That is mainly because I cannot stomach the vile and hatred that is spewed in churches these days. I just cannot. Maybe one day I will stumble into a place not like that but after the last 40+ years being exposed to these people…..I don’t care to know them. But the point is that I adore his faith and I’m so grateful he has a strong faith. When I said my prayers last night I prayed a prayer of gratitude and thanks.
The prayer I’ve prayed since finding out I was getting divorced was simply: Don’t let me become angry and hate. I can live with sadness, I can live with loss but I cannot live with hate and anger. My prayers for this have been answered from the beginning. This doesn’t mean I haven’t been angry along the way but I’ve remained mostly anger-free. I have A LOT of pity though. I have A LOT of sadness. I have A LOT of loss. But I do not have anger towards my husband. I just don’t. I feel sad for him. Maybe one day I will be happy again. Maybe I will love again. Maybe not. I don’t know and I don’t care to love again honestly. I cannot imagine ever giving myself to another person. That in itself….makes me so sad.