I’m not feeling too good this morning; i have a heavy chest, deep cough and a heavy head. I’m sure it’s those cigarettes i bought. Even though i only have 1 at night to help me sleep, these new ones are too strong for me.
I wanted to write about something that has been bothering me for a while. I was talking to a friend about it the other day and she gave me a look of concern. Makes me feel it isn’t normal just how i fear.
From the outside i would consider myself a positive person. Not over the top dramatic just generally a cheerful personality. I like to laugh and make others laugh. I do have periods of irritability, especially within the first hour i wake up and 2 hours before i go to bed. In these periods i don’t want to hear anybodies voices. I have noticed it’s almost like i become sensitive to sound. Can that happen? It happens occasionally through the day also. Where i feel like somebody talking is talking way too loud and i almost need to close my eyes and just breathe because i want to punch them. That’s not normal is it?
See i try to push these thoughts out of my mind. I don’t want to dwell and tell myself something is wrong and then actually develop some kind of… disorder? I believe in the power of positivity and mental wellbeing.
The thing that worries me the most is the fact that from the moment i wake to the moment i sleep i have these flashbacks. Memories that play in my mind triggered from the tiniest thing. They are ALWAYS embarrassing/ cringe worthy/ negative/ anger inducing/ irritable/ sad memories. Yes those things happened, but why the hell do they keep coming to the surface completely out the blue? Usually having happened years ago, how are they so detailed? I really try to push them back and not allow my mind to go there.
Maybe i need help? I don’t want to need help, I’m sick of feeling like a victim of my life. It’s not been that bad! There’s people dying in the world from living in war torn countries and then there is me with a nice warm bed, food in the fridge, my own space. I’m an idiot! Yes I’ve been dealt real challenges in my life but i should be strong enough to move forward for god’s sake!
Does anybody else have something similar to these issues? I have considered self teaching CBT but not sure i have the self discipline to do it alone and make it stick. Anybody that has tried it, i would love to hear from you?