Miss sweets misery

So.. This is my first entry.  When I was younger I always loved writing,  it seemed like it was the only thing that gave me relieve from life.. I could go over the words and think about things,  talk about ppl who were pissing me off,  vent get it off my shoulders..im pretty sure I got the urge from my mom,  she wrote everything down.. I mean she had scribblers full,  of just everything,  God I miss my mom,  I die a little everyday without her.. So maby a little about me.. I don’t know what to say, I’m 37,getting too old for misery..  I used to be a “normal” person,  we’ll maby not normal.. I was a chubby child,  was bullied alot, I just survived school, hated it. Both parents were addicts/alcoholics.. I spent most of my child hood at my grandmothers, she had a boyfriend for as long as I can remember.. Jackie. He was my grand pa the only I knew. N life with the was OK,  she was a little nutty,  and Jackie was drunk everyday,  but I was used to it.. I never felt wanted by anyone, I was just there n someone had to look after me,  n I know my momma loved me.  But I was never gonna be #1 to anyone.  By the time I was 10 I remember Jackie had started molesting me.. It was kinda weird,  I have strange memories,  they feel like dreams that I had when I was really young of him in bed with me,  but I could never distinguish whether it was real or not. I guess it was cause He had escalated by the time I was 12.. Since he was Dru k all the time an I was used to it,  I told myself that he didn’t remember what he was doing he was to drunk, but the last night, he was drunk as usual, and his den where he spent most of his time reading or sleeping it off was right beside my room, he had been in there flicking his lighter trying to light his smoke over n over,  stupid me(I had just started smoking,  young I know) I was tired n had school in the morning so I went in n offered him a light,  that’s when he grabbed me by the arm n forced me down… The next morning I got up,  thinking as usual he didn’t remember n it was all mine to bare until he asked me if I still had the lighter..I told my guidance councillor that day n was put in foster care.. I never went home again,  nor was I wanted there. My family didn’t believe me,  they all COMPLEATLY disowned me.  Most of them still do.. The only one who believed me was my mom.  My mom had finally quit drinking and we were growing closer n closer..  God I loved her.. I just want to get my story out of me.. Maby I will start to heal if I can get it out and make Room for something else.. I need to feel again,  it’s been soo  fucking long.. I’m sure anyone with a history of drug abuse or addiction know what I mean when I say I feel nothing,  like a dead thing not yet buried, but yet I know I love, like I love my kids,  but I can’t feel.. So much pain.. I’ve never complained.. I never wanted sympathy, if anything g I didn’t think I deserved it.. I dont know when I’ll write again,  when ever I get the urge I guess.. I want to be normal.. Is that too much..? 

2 thoughts on “Miss sweets misery”

  1. I’m not sure there is a “normal”—-but I know what you mean. I’m so glad you found healing with your mother and had fun and good memories. You’ve been through a traumatic life, dear. Let Jesus love you, just as you are. He already does. You don’t have to change to be loved by Him. He created you and He knows you are wonderful. He knows everything that has hurt you, and I think He is proud of you for handling life as well as you do. I know I am impressed. You are brave and strong!
    Keep writing by all means. Try fiction too. I’m glad to “meet” you, special lady!

  2. Wow. Okay. I’m so sorry, it sounds like your childhood was very traumatic indeed. I’m glad you grew closer with your mum, that you have some good memories. But – that was saddening to read, so experiencing it…

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