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Broken Heart

I know that once a heart is broken, it just isn’t the same as it was before. It can be compared to breaking a vase because even if its fixed, the cracks and marks left behind by that action will always stay on it. It has been about a year since I broke up with my boyfriend and to this day I believe it was the right choice. He was too controlling and he was always emotionally and verbally abusing me. I stayed with him for about two years and during that time I went through a huge emotional roller coaster because not only did I have problems with him, but my family was having some health issues as well. I eventually tried to commit suicide and underwent an extreme depressive state. There were so many pains and problems, but I’m glad I grew out of them. I still had feeling for him when I broke up with him, but I decided it would be for the best for me overall. He was like a tumor filled with so much negative energy that was sucking out all the happiness and goodness from myself. 

However, I feel like I didn’t deserve to have undergone all that pain. I have gone out with a lot of previous guys too. I am 22 years old and have had a lot of negative relationships. I cannot fully say I have had a single relationship in my life without a problem. There was always someone cheating, someone lying, someone hurting, or someone just being a total jerk. I just feel so fed up with everything now. I think I won’t be finding that perfect guy I wanted because as many people would say, there is no such thing as a perfect person, so why should there be such a thing as the perfect guy? It’s quite a puzzle right? There’s always something wrong with everyone. Now I’m not talking about just guys, there’s no such thing as a perfect girl either. I feel like I might become asexual, but who knows because I am still young. Some of my friends are already married, but I can’t see myself in those shoes any time soon. 

Even though my heart is broken by about a dozen guys, I believe I will come back just as strong. My heart will slowly become an impregnable shield that can withstand any of the gameplays my future boyfriends may bring out. I am tired of the games and of the problems though. Why does everything have to be about sex? Is sex really that important? I don’t see the correlation or relevance between that and a healthy relationship. I may sound old-fashioned, but I just wish and will keep on wishing for finding that certain guy who doesn’t care about sex and who would love, care, cherish, and respect me for the way I am. It’s hard to keep having faith and believing that such a guy exists, but I would like to continue wishing for such a perfect guy to appear before me. 

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