The big yawn

I have so much stuff coming my way it’s crazy.. and yet, I feel kind of numb about it. I quit my job with no real plans for after. I booked a trip to Scandinavia and it doesn’t even really excite me a whole lot. We have a bike adventure trip coming up and I can barely think about it. All I can think about is how lonely I am and want someone to share my life with.

I’ve been doing the online dating apps, but they seem to make me more anxious than less; if I’m being honest, I’m not looking for a hook up, I’m looking for a partner. I’m having a lot of trouble being patient though. I don’t want to trust life to just do it’s thing: I want to make it happen now to avoid the feelings I’m having deep inside me.

And really, that’s what it is. Deep down I’m really insecure and don’t think I’m worth anything. I also feel like I can’t be happy if I’m not in a relationship. Life doesn’t start until I have a partner. I also have trouble being productive when I don’t have outside pressure to do it. It’s like I don’t really believe that I want to do anything.

Something else Whitney said that I thought was very insightful is that I’m not OK with not knowing what I want to do. It’s amazing how sneaky the ego is. I guess it’s kind of like the devil: the greatest trick it ever pulled off is convincing the world it didn’t exist. 

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