My first entry – Disfunctional Life (true story)

Not sure why I thought a online journal would be beneficial for me.. I just know that people can see this and choose to read it and comment on it, unlike how long it would take me to start a blog…I just want to vent and to be heard.

Lets start out with who I am. I am a 20 year old “woman” ( I put parentheses because I don’t feel like an adult woman.. just a trapped little girl.) I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first child. I don’t know the gender yet, but I will in 2 weeks. I feel like its a little boy, I am super excited… well at least im trying to be. The circumstances that surround my life make it difficult to be overjoyed. Some people may say “that’s a normal feeling for a first time mom ! no worries” The ideal vision of being pregnant and expecting a child are supposed to be that you are married, it was planned, you have tons of supportive friends and family and you just cant wait to give birth!!! Me on the other hand is complete opposite. I am not married, I have a mediocre job, I don’t feel like the father is completely okay with the idea of a baby and he and I break up often and get into frequent arguments. Yes, I am THAT person. The one afraid of moving on, the one afraid of letting go but also the one that likes to run as well… its not an easy situation, but I am aware that I control it. My family is not there for me.. My mother is a prostitute and a crack head who gets her bills paid by my millionaire uncle each and every month.. where as my father left when I was young because of my mom doing those same wreck-less things 20 years ago…. and he is the one who got her on dope so not sure if that says much for itself but I can clarify that if you need me too, I have the best parents in the world 🙂 (hopefully you caught the sarcasm) And that millionaire uncle you heard about? he took care of me for 4 years when my mom was in jail…But he’s a prick and a stuck up narcissist. I don’t like to be around him unless I have to honestly… My family is one tornado that is just constantly tearing everything apart. As for friends, they are the ones who rarely communicate with you and only through Facebook. I was never really able to call too many people my friends in high school, I knew plenty of people and they knew me but I was only able to say that much about them unfortunately. I wasn’t able to keep many friendships in the first place anyways, so I am sure that was a contributing factor. I believe the reason that I struggled keeping and making friends was because of my childhood and the way I grew up.  Like I said earlier, my mom was crack head and my dad left early on, but I also had a stepdad. He was in my life from the time I was 2 until I was 16. My stepdad was African American and my mom was Caucasian. I wasn’t embarrassed that he was my stepdad, but many people don’t approve of interracial relationships so I was often judged when people knew that my stepdad was black. He was also a drug dealer. I don’t mean he was a “sell just a 10 dollar bag of pot” drug dealer. More like the drug dealer that everyone was afraid of that sold large quantities of marijuana, crack, cocaine and narcotics. There was dangerous in and out of house all times of night and day. Prostitutes, killers, rapist, gang members, theifs and every felon possible you could think of. You would think that we had a lot of money while I was growing up. That was wrong… We were always broke. They used any money they made from selling drugs, to buy more drugs…We did have food stamps and Medicaid though, so we were supported through that, but often times, sold as well…. I will continue this entry at a later point…

 

2 thoughts on “My first entry – Disfunctional Life (true story)”

  1. Welcome to Goodnight Journal! You’ll find here a lot of support and advice that people can give; what I’ve seen for the 200+ days I was here, we’re a pretty good community. Hope things get better with you soon!

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