Nice things that happened this week:
1. Getting an average of a low B in Physics. I’m bad at it, and I need to maintain at least a B if I don’t want to be a failure of a human being, a failure who gets bad grades.
2. Laughing in the dumb assembly with my new friend (?) J2 who has both Physics and English with me. He’s super nice, and funny.
3. Talking with my friend J1 who has English with me and is super super nice and pretty and fun to be around and just overall such a kind person.
4. Talking with my friend C who is really nice and almost annoyingly optimistic and really friendly which makes me feel slightly guilty because I am not so nice and not always so optimistic even though I want to be.
5. Talking with J3, J4, A1, and V2 in Geography, which is so nice, because they’re freshmen and they’re so much friendlier than juniors.
6. Chatting with my friend from China QYL online which made me realize how much I miss her and that there are people who actually miss me, as a friend and person, not just because I was a convenient classmate to hang out with.
7. Getting average A’s on my grade report in everything but Physics. Maybe this means I’m not as much of a failure as I sometimes think I am.
8. Finishing The Bell Jar and feeling like it said so many of the things that I’ve felt in the past but didn’t know how to express. Esther’s helplessness–her descent into madness–the way she is so bothered by how her handwriting has turned big and ugly but not bothered by the fact that she hasn’t changed her clothes in three weeks.
9. Having the sweet little boy I always pass on the way to school say Hi and Good morning to me without his mother prompting him to do so. I think he might have some sort of disorder like ADHD, because he talks very animatedly with his mother and she always holds his hand very tightly even though they’re just walking down the sidewalk, and it just felt so nice to have him say three words to me. I don’t know why.
10. Realizing that I’ll go to my first Gay Straight Alliance meeting next week on the 21st and feeling super happy about it even though I missed the first meeting.
Things that happened that made me fall into a pit of despair and question all of the happiness that I thought I’d found:
1. Getting an 87 (in other words, a B) on my precalculus test.
2. Getting an 84 on my accounting test.
This is why I can’t have nice things. Something incredibly mundane or minor happens to me, and I feel elated about it for days. I just talk to someone for two minutes and it can make me happy hours or days afterward. It’s not normal.
On the other extreme, if something very very minor happens to me–like one or two points lowered off my average, even if I still have an A–I feel devastated, sometimes for days. I don’t know why. But this is why a whole beautiful fun day filled with Nice Things can be smashed into a smoking heap of Bad Things, just because of one little point-drop, or one embarrassing moment. It’s terrible.
But I am trying so hard to make myself better. I am trying not to be so unstable.
I work harder here than I used to. I think it’s because I want all of this to matter.
Have a good weekend and stay chill.