When you were here before, I couldn’t look you in the eye…


Today was a lazy day, a blah day, and a minimum day.  I had my first day off from work in like a week and a half it seems.  I woke up at 10ish am after going to bed at like 2ish am.  I had a soda for coffee, a Cherry Coke, plastic bottle.  Felt very American.  Feeling patriotic, I met the day with a decent attitude with the haze of physical exhaustion accompanying my eyes.  It was a good day.  

For a long time, I was away from my family–10 years or so.  Now that I am around them, and a little older, I feel a revived kinship with them.  I went to the nearest soda machine down the block on my mountain bike, purchased another soda, spoke with my boss who is going on vacation to see if there were any special instructions.  There weren’t.  I rode my bike to my parents’ house.  It was 2pm and perfect timing, because both of them were not working today.  My step-dad makes his own hours.  I rode my bike into their well kept yard, let it lay on its side, and walked to the front door.  Through the door, I saw my step-dad inside.  “Hi, Jim.  How are ya?”  “Not bad.”  I sat outside for a moment to recover from the peddling.  Soon my mother came out.  She is also tired from work, this I could tell.  “Were you sleeping?”  “No.  I ‘m just tired.”  That’s how I knew she was tired.  Soon I rode with them into a commerce hub because she had to get some new pants.  And she couldn’t find the ones she had her mind set on.  She’s very sensitive.  Come to find out, she wasn’t feeling good at all.  So we promptly returned home.  I said see ya and I love you, and I also went home.  No use of me being around crowding up the space when she would prefer to just sleep.  I’ve been home ever since.

                            I made my mind up to “stay home” more.  I was a run-about for a long time.  With college, etc. etc.  etc.  I feel like it’s my payment in penance.  

I have to work tomorrow.  There is an eclipse tonight, but I do not see it.  I’m getting tired.  

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.   Give me truth or give me death.  In Him we move and have our being.  In Him is life.  In Him is mercy.  Amen.  If it weren’t for His mercy, we would be consumed.  Lord?  (said Saul-Paul)  I wish I was in Copenhagen right now.  Sitting in a great window bench, soft and filled with blankets and pillows.  There is frost on the edges of the window.  And outside the window the night lights and straggling souls.  The light in the room is dim.  My laptop is fully charged and the internet is great.  My headphones are on.  And I don’t have to work for a month.  Money is not a worry.  Only time remaining is the only concern.  And it is wonderful like the first time being near the ocean.  Or the first vacation you’ve ever took where there was serious travelling.  

I think I met a new friend.  She an encourager (the spell check on this site is pretty poor–that’s no red line would you please?).  I do not know her or who she is really.  I know she wrote a good book.  She has a warm and caring heart because she frequently encourages others.  It’s nice to have new friends.  Decent friends.  

I can’t find any mystery to write tonight.  But I know there is beauty.  I think it all got out last night.  I wish I could be completely honest.  I guess I can be.  I can just make this private.  

For instance, I think or feel that I will die soon.  Not of my own volition.  I enjoy living.  Perhaps that is why i will die.  I wish I could meet more Christians who have that physical sensation of the Spirit.  I looked for that so much.  Google searched it every which way.  If I did meet someone who I knew had it, I think they would be too busy with their other endeavors to carry on a conversation.  “So and so’s schedule doesn’t permit them to carry on interaction like this.  They hope you are having a great day though!  Be blessed!”  I can’t criticize pastors tonight.  I hardly ever can.  There time is all taken up.  There is no more time left.  We are sorry for this, but it is the way that it is.  But, for $120 an hour, the pastor can meet with you for a counsel.  We do hope this finds you well, and have a wonderful day.  

    I’ve never treated someone like that.  Ever.  How is that possible?  What does that mean?  “Well, if we do it for one person, then we’ll have to do it for everybody.”  How does that work in your faith?  “Our work of God is so important that we have no time.”  That is so sad.  That is so wrong.  Paul didn’t live in a gated community.  He had an apartment or such, sure.  But a gated community?  A Mercedez?  A 2016 LTD Volvo?  Ahh.. there it is…  I used to get angry at God before this happened.  I wouldn’t stay angry, but I had small momentary outbursts towards Him.  One time….

One time I was walking around a University campus, and I would say, “I’m sorry, Father.  I can’t afford to go to Church.”  I felt bad for saying it, but I said it.  Is that bad enough for Him to disown one of His children?  I would look at some of my sisters who I knew were living in sexual sin, pre-marital sex;  the Word calls it fornication.  And I would ask Him questions about them.  Rhetorical, spiteful questions.  Because I didn’t understand that.  Would that be bad enough for Him to leave someone?  

I didn’t start getting mad at Him until I stopped a medication that I had been on since I was 20.  It was called Paxel.  It was a new anti-depressant at the time and doubled as a social anxiety med.  Why was I prescribed it?  I went away to this private school at 17.  1st time away from home.  Lots of kids.  I was struggling with the move, the whole thing.  I had my first panic attack, or what doctors call panic attacks.  So they sent me to the campus counselor.  He didn’t talk to me long.  Soon, I was in the pharmacy, ingesting a psycho-tropic drug.  I felt the effects of it immediately.  The fan in the waiting room seemed in slow motion.  People looked more separate from myself.  My intellect began to relax.  I was doped up.  lol.. I never took Paxel when I was at home.  I never had panic attacks either.  Talking through that time and transition wasn’t the thing for us to do, evidently.  The benevolent therapist knew the answer:  Paxel.  Anyways, I stopped taking it during the summer of 2013.  I stopped taking it because I was ashamed of asking my family for the money to get it.  I don’t remember what brought the shame on.  Things were okay for a while.  Slowly things became weird or too much without it.  I never acted out, demonstratively, just inwardly.  And that filtered its way into angry moments at the Father.  Speaking with a counselor about it, his name was…I forget, but I said, “I always got mad at the Father.  Who in their right mind could get mad at Jesus?”  He burst out laughing.  lol…  it felt good to have a normal moment like that.  His name was Rick.  A Denver educated man.  He was so kind.  And he just had a baby then too.  After he finished laughing, he said, “It’s safer that way.  It’s safer to get mad at the Father.”  Perhaps it was safer, but my reasoning still stands, “Nobody in their right mind could become angry with Jesus.”  But that was when all of this started.  I stopped taking the Paxel.  LOL.. it was even a really low dose :/  really low….  

Would He ever leave us?  For doing those things?  Because my feelings don’t feel nowhere near what they did.  All of the mature Christians will say, “You can’t trust your feelings.”  It makes me wonder if they ever felt that.. the Indwelling.  Or did they simply know He was there.  It is a prominent feeling.  A Comforter that is warm, right in the center of my belly, the center of my being.  C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity, that when salvation hit him, he was on a motorcycle or a car, and he said he felt liquid joy.  Sometimes, the Spirit would turn into a river inside me.  It started from eternity, ended in eternity, yet somehow included me in it’s stream; and the water was living;  it was Him.  “He who believes in Me as the Bible saith, shall have living waters flowing from his belly.”–KJV–  That was true.  That is true.  How is my liquid joy gone?  Why is there nothing there anymore?  That’s my condition.  I was afraid that He left me.  I haven’t found one answer that is satisfying yet.  The only one that comes close is The Dark Night of the Soul by John of the Cross.

    He explains, that some contemplatives who this state visits, this Dark Night, they will believe so truly that He did leave them, that they would cease to believe in Him were it not for His perfect intervention, reassuring them that He was still there.  Well this thing with me, what I call “holy loneliness” sure feels empty.  My world is no longer colored by the emotions of my heart.  It feels as if I have no emotions.  Carol Brown, the author of The Sensitive Christian, spoke with me about these things over emails.  She was so patient.  And so great.  We have not spoken in a long time… 6 months or so.  I seeked her out desperation, and she adopted me somehow.  She was so devoted.  What a blessing.  What a perfect blessing.  I have somewhat of a unique last name.. you don’t hear it often, and it is very German.  Her office is in her home, and it even has the street address.  Her street was the name of my last name.  Talk about timing.  

So I quit teaching; I don’t think that my heart was ever fully in teaching anyways.  I packed up.  I moved back home.  I visited my mother at night the same day I felt my insides leave, and when I seen her, I broke down in tears, explaining that I “think God left me.”  And for a year I cried while living in their spare bedroom.  I worked at a local K-Mart.  Not much was required of me.  That first year was very scary.  I’m pretty stout hearted, and I was scared the way Charles Haddon Spurgeon understands what scary is.  I think it was hard on my parents’ marriage.  They recovered after going to a counselor themselves.  I finally moved out.  I am doing better now.  But I am still empty insides.  I looked and looked for familiarity, some relatability.  I learned that Mother Teresa experienced profound emptiness throughout her ministry.  In fact, her profound emptiness came upon her right before she started her world wide ministry to the poor.  

                                         “Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear. The tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak.”  Mother Teresa 1979 

    That comforted me so much.  I’ve reached out to countless clergy.  They assure me that He will “Never leave you nor forsake you.”  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  Sometimes, my prayers are so desparate after a month or so of emptiness, that I will ask, “Will you speak to me?  Will you let me know that You haven’t left me?”  And I think that He does, but when I hear it, I hear it in my emptiness.  And the encouragment lasts for a while, but after sometime I forget, and so willfully remember the encouragements, and it brings peace to my overall state of being.  It brings peace.  LOL.. sometimes now I will joke with Him…

    I’ll be thinking of something like, “What if this happens?  It’s not like I’ll feel anything anyways.  So it shouldn’t be that bad.”  

I could describe what I used to feel throughout my salvation, but I predict the response will be the same, “You cannot trust your feelings, Dustin.”  And they mean so well… so sincere.  

So I think sometimes, “Maybe I will die soon…”  Maybe I will die soon.  Maybe I am some anomaly.  I felt heaven.  I could say with confidence, “The Kingdom of heaven is within you.”  And we do have spirits/hearts.  He isn’t being figurative when He writes that.  Many clergy will say, with sincerity, that the biblical heart is the make up of the psyche and emotions, and that He is speaking figuratively.  But I have to disagree with them.  The Heart contains those things, but it isn’t those things.  Just like we will have an impure thought, but alas we are not that impure thought.  The heart, as Jesus speaks of it, is a physical entity; well, it’s a spiritual creation but it is physical to the Lord.  How could it not be physical if it is capable of geographic location in the heavens?  It has a location in the Kingdom of God..lol.. it is us, and it is wrapped in this problematic flesh.  The christmas gift under the tree isn’t the box and wrapping paper, it is only wrapped in it; it is located inside it.  

                  The person who led me to Christ:  

    He had this very thing that I did.  Maybe that is why He gave it to me.  He said that scientist will never be able to discover it because it is too small.  🙂  lol.. isn’t that funny?  I think that’s very funny.  These poor scientists, who are embarking on these meaningful investigations daily, overlook the very thing that would bring them perfect satisfaction because their microscopes and education cannot see it.  He also told me that God keeps Himself simple.  “Look at the name he gave Himself:  God.  Is that a complicated name?”  That moment peace unspeakable overcame me.  From that moment on, I woke up, looked immediately for the indwelling, took my bible outside on the back porch of my old house, and red only the red print.  At one point I was like, “Wow.. I don’t even have to smoke weed anymore, I feel stoned all the time.”  The indwelling for me was a physical reality, not only a spiritual truism/reality.  I used to say to myself, ” I am truly walking in 2 worlds simultaneously.”  At one point I would say while eating lunch, “I am eating for two now.”  It was that present.  Once a pastor made a comment to me, “Could you imagine if we were conscious of God 24 hours a day?”  I got a strange, distrusting look on my face, “What?  That is my day…”  I only thought those words, I did not say them to him.  I loved him very much.  Another pastor told me, after my telling me of my experience, “If we felt heavenly all day long, we would be of little earthly value.” 

And the surroundings at the beginning of my salvation was American country. Literally farms, fields, lakes, and one river, and many streams.  I should have stayed there I now think.  

                                    “I was there so long ago;  the sky was bruised, the wine was bled;  And                                           there You led me on.  In Your house I long to be.”—quote—

I had a mentor before attending a Christian College.  He is the only genius I have ever met.  And I’ve met many souls.  He taught me geometry on a trip home from the East Coast. He said, “In this world, all there is is contradiction.  Jesus, when He walked the Earth, all he found was contradiction.”  I admit, the world is contradictory.  And in my holy loneliness, I have met mostly contradiction in one way or another.  The only straight lines, in the eternal sense, I have come across, are of my loved ones.  And I know they love me.  They are my straight lines, my heavenly geometry while I occupy a point on this domain, this finite grid.  They are beautiful.  They are beauty.  They are not contradictions.  

I once read a book called The Sibling Society by Robert Bly.  He said we are living in world of half-adults.  This is funny.  Before I found that book for sometime, and I was dead serious, I would just look at the world, the people in it, lol, and I would say to my Maker, “Father!!!  People are not growing up!!!”  lol…  I think it’s true.  Of course there are exceptions to the rule.  And they are beautiful.

I found an end times book some time ago.  At the same time I was dating a new girl.  In the book it damned AT&T and its offspring Lucent Technologies.  It had this conspiracy theory about the Lucent logo (I think the company is defunct now).  Long story short, Caroline’s ex-husband was the former Vice President of AT&T of Central America.  I casually brought up Lucent to her, prying around.  She remarked that her and her ex had a lunch with the man who was in charge of commissioning the company for designing the logo, “We spent $100,000 for a coffee stain.”  That was an interesting day.  Talk about a new convert marveling at synchronicity.

Today was not marvelous.  I had no conviction today.  I just was.  And now I am.  I used to think of the Scripture, “The body can not live without the spirit.”  And then I’ll think, “I’m surprised I’ve lived this long, but then I must still have my spirit; my body must still contain it, otherwise I would not be alive.”  It is dark outside, and the moon is big and bright.   Caroline once wrote a poem called “Moonlight Gas Station”.  It is one of the most beautiful poems I’ve ever read or been shown.  She has never published it.  I’ve googled it and found nothing.  I miss Caroline some nights.  She was very curious.. so curious of a woman.  But those are my thoughts aren’t they.  The thoughts of my being, all wrapped up and manifested by my flesh, my mythical wrapping paper, my “fearful and wonderful” UPS box.  

I won’t lie.  I think about death sometimes.  But there isn’t really much to think about is there?  It’s not like any of us receive an education on death.  What would the class be?  “Death:  A lecture series on our last appointment.”  I don’t like death.  It is our enemy, the last of our enemies.  “He lead captivity captive…Death was swallowed up in victory.”  Have you ever laid eyes on more perfect poetry?  “He led captivity captive.”  Sometimes this is hard to understand…

Sometimes I’ll think, “Almighty, I never asked to be Dustin, from far away, and asked to be this did I?  Was I begging to enter this world?  To have this name?  It wasn’t me in the garden.  I didn’t disobey the commandment in the beginning.  Somebody else did.  So why?  Why is all of this necessary?”  And the answer I contemplate is something hard for our psyche, little lone comprehension, to accept.  The answer is so simple.  This is His world.

    He created this.  And He makes up the rules.  He says what goes and what doesn’t go.  It is the exact same feeling when I was a kid and would ask my dear mother for something.  She would say, “No.”  “Why?”  “Because I Said So.”  LOL…  I’m like, “Oh my gosh.. that is so real!”  That is so simple.  But I guess He keeps Himself simple doesn’t He?  

When you were here before, I couldn’t look you in the eye…

                     I love You, Almighty.  I love You.  







One thought on “When you were here before, I couldn’t look you in the eye…”

  1. I have read your blog. It is amazing. You are so brilliant. But I know that means nothing to you without the indwelling. Yes, I have experienced it, many times, but not recently. I am on some medications and I wonder sometimes if that is affecting me. But sometimes I still feel that sweeping Presence fall over me, making it seem like everything inside and around me is sparkling. I know that is the Holy Spirit. usually it comes when I am speaking a scripture to someone, sharing faith with a friend. I miss it, too, so I completely understand your loneliness for more of God. I am older than you; I may have let my family concerns squeeze out that time that is necessary for silent worship. I have two autistic teen grandsons, one of them curses terribly and it wounds my heart. Then he will pray and ask God (sincerely) to forgive him and help him, and get those “bad words” out of his head. He has the sweetest heart. He may be bipolar also. I digress.
    Have you ever tried writing a journal TO the Father? Instead of dear Diary, it would be dear Jesus, or dear Father, and then just talk to Him. I did this for years. It helped me. I used to be a mess. I was even suicidal at one point. But God has healed me so that I love life. God has healed everything. But I still am walking by faith not sight. I miss the sparkling Presence. But Dustin, I want to assure you that God has not left you! I promise. He never will. We go through these dark, empty times, but He is still close to us, right in our hearts. It’s a mystery. He is still with you. You will feel Him again. Stay faithful. “Keep the faith.” “Build yourselves up in your most holy faith.”
    I feel for you so much because I know how you love God and miss the tangible feelings. Try to trust that this, too, is His gift to you, part of His mercy, someday He will reveal. If you would feel comfortable sending your address to my email, I can send you a copy of my book, if you would like. I would love to share it with you. I will write more when I can. Thank you for using a larger font, that helps my eyes. I am praying for you, Dustin, dear. God loves you. “For I am fully persuaded than neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor height nor depth nor ANYTHING in all creation is able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38. I didn’t get it word for word, but close. Til next time, God bless you. I send you love and prayers.

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