Where to begin

First I have to say how much I miss you…no matter how long it’s been, the missing and wishing will not go away. I feel you in my heart but you don’t hang out here….there’s no way for me to have a memory of us together in this home except for my grief journals…when I talk to you here is when I feel closest to you….like you’re somehow reading over my shoulder and listen when I need you to….I love you Rhett…that will never change either….some things are out of our control…well, many things actually…obviously, right? I don’t blame this tragedy on God…I don’t believe God had anything to do with what happened….I’d kill myself today if I thought our lives were predetermined by a bipolar entity who tortures his subjects with love and death….I don’t know why this happened to us….I still can’t find a silver lining in my nightmare….the world is worse off without you…I think of all the people you touched with your kind happy face and pep talks, helping hands, genuine goodwill for anyone who needed it….in spite of the stray cats, I love you for giving everyone a chance….then I think about all the people who won’t get to know a genuine good egg named Rhett who was everybody’s go to guy…someone who made friends in line at the grocery store…my confidant and best friend in the whole world…the pied piper of dogs and an EMT to sick beta fish…I can never say enough nice things about you baby…you were so many things to so many people and my everything. I don’t know if you watch me…if you can watch me…or if you just know whats going on with me….can you still hear me when I cry your name? I know you want me to be happy…I’ve been resigned to being alone….the people I’ve tried to have frienships with have turned out to be distractions from that reality and band aids over gunshot wounds…quick fixes for lonliness and someone to talk to even if they couldnt possibly understand my challenges to being with someone or know the aloofness I felt when I knew I wouldn’t see them again…it didnt hurt me…I didn’t, I couldn’t care but knowing that I would spend 99.9% of my time alone for months at a time feels unbearable because when I’m alone I don’t miss them…I miss you…

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