Mother at 18… Wife at 19… and totally lost at 37

I married my high school sweetheart 8 months after our daughter was born. We were 19 years old and madly in love. We bought ourselves a little single wide and set out to start our lives; just a young man and a house wife. Two more tiny mouths to feed came alone within 2 years and our family swelled to five.  He took a job at a machine shop to make ends meet. When they offered him more money if he’d  temporarily take the night shift he jumped at the offer so that I could raise the babies; a 2 year old an 18 month old and a newborn. He got home from work at 6 a.m. and went to bed after a quick meal, I got up at 5:30 a.m. and cared for my babies; diapers, feedings, educating and filling up their little minds. He got up at 4:30 p.m. and left for work most times 7 days a week.  We found ways to fulfill our young needs and keep the spice in our relationship, we took a girlfriend and went out as often as possible. Although I was going to sleep alone most nights and raising our kids alone I was happy, he was usually really crabby on Sundays but I learned to work around it and accept it for who he was; he was the love of my life. Fast forward 7 years and he is still working 80 plus hours a week on the night shift and I was still raising our 3 kids alone. The laughs were harder to come by money was painfully tight and the girlfriend had gone back to her husband. I had become really good friends with the stay at home dad down the road and we were spending a lot of time together with out kids. While nothing happend I understood my husbands irritation at someone else hanging out with him family while he worked long hours. None of the mattered for long because when the economy took a shit so did his job. We lost our home of 7 years and our only car and had to move “temporarily” into his parents basement. Just a stepping stone he said. His parents hated me for not working and judged my “alternative parenting style” as they called it. Life there was miserable and it slowly took its toll on me. Within a year and a half I was seeing a therapist, on heavy anti depressants, anti anxiety, and anti psychotics. Our marriage was slowly deteriorating; I was holding on with all I had but he was letting go. Like a blur six years passed and we were broken. During the dark years at his parents house I started talking with people, both men and women, online from other states; people that I knew I would never actually see. I got off on making them fall for me despite having no intention of ever cheating on my husband it was just to pass the time and it made me feel alive and wanted for the first time in years. I know it was wrong but I convinced myself that since I never met or intended on meeting them I was doing nothing wrong. That decision may be what put the proverbial nail in our coffin. I guess he felt me drifting away so he hacked my email, social media sites and went through my phone. He found out about my hobby and as a last ditch effort to save what we had, we moved out. We rented a home not far away and tried to put things back together.  The trust was gone and his ego was bruised. The house was small and not what we wanted but I quickly made it a home. 13 years since taking the “temporary” night shift job and he was still working it. We spent the mornings after dropping the kids to school laying in bed, smoking pot, and laughing like we once did. We enjoyed each other in every way possible. Things were going well for the first time in so long. We started going on dates on Saturday nights to a local bar and tried to refind the love that bought us together. I was more hopeful than I had been in years. I felt no need to take back up my hobby and was smiling again without need for all the medications. As the kids got older, and the landlord continued to raise the rent; money got insanely tight. 2 years after moving in he asked me to get a part time job to help pay the bills. I hadn’t worked in 15 years and was terrified to do so for a few reasons. 1. I am a bit of a paranoid person, I don’t make friends well and haven’t always fit in. 2. Things were only recently getting better with us and it was solely riding on the fact that we spent our kid free mornings focusing on us; but I did it anyway. I started working 4 days a week at a local family restaurant. It was rewarding to be working and making my own money and we were still spending our Fridays together. Just when I thought our future was safe and our life was back on track the other shoe dropped. I woke on a Friday a year after taking the job looking forward to spending time with him, he came home from work later than usual and was in a foul mood. I tried to get him to come into bed with me but he refused. I badgered him to open up and speak with me until he finally did, I was not prepared for what came out. When they said that words cut deeper than swords they weren’t lying. I sat down at the table and he started to cry. He said “I don’t think I love you, I am not sure that I ever did. I have no respect for you and I resent you for ruining my life” My heart broke into a million pieces. The man that saved me, the love of my life was telling me that our entire life was built on a lie. He pulled the rug out from under my entire life. He went on to say many things, but the kicker was that he was in love with the girlfriend we had taken years earlier; she was one of his ex girlfriends, and he was in love with her! He was when he walked down the isle with me, when he convinced me to let her into our lives to spice things up,  through the years at his moms after she went back to her husband and still did on that day. He admitted to me that he and her never lost contact though she was no longer part of our life. He texted her daily and missed her dearly. The million pieces my heart broke into broke into a million more. I stopped functioning on that day. I shut down my heart and closed it off. Its been 2 years since that day. He bought a house last year when the landlord wouldn’t rent to us again. Everything is in only his name, we live like roommates who never speak. He is still on the night shift only now he is the foreman. I work full time at a shop during the day. The babies are now almost all adults and can see the reality of our life. I have raised our kids alone and I did it my way and that too has caused problems. we fight when ever we speak and never do thing together alone. The love is gone and the life is destroyed yet we stay together. I have asked him why he stays with me if he doesn’t love me and he said because he doesn’t want anyone else to have me.  I am numb and dying on the inside. dreading what will happen when the youngest graduates from high school in 2 years. I am lost at 37 years old with no idea where I am going how I am going to get there or when I will be forced to arrive. I am broken beyond repair and afraid. 

One thought on “Mother at 18… Wife at 19… and totally lost at 37”

  1. SophiaRose,
    You are 37. What a beautiful age!
    Ask yourself : how your life is going to be in 10 years? You need to put yourself in front of everybody. Because you deserve it!

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