confessions of the quarter life crisis

Its funny how previous to logging on to this site I thought how refreshing would it be to jot down all of your thoughts anonymously? No fear of judgment, no need to over think or worry about your run on sentences and grammatical errors.  Yet i find myself giving a shit. I guess there is no real escape from that. Its some bs. alias I came up with anyway so here goes… I find that I like to write when I’m going through my toughest moments but for the first time in my life I seem to have it all together. I live in europe, i just got engaged to my best friend, we live an incredibly blessed life and yet I find myself more confused and more  fearful than ever. I didn’t know this kind of happiness, this “normalcy” I spent most if not all my life struggling. I went from shitty relationship to shitty relationship. I had the ”how am i going to pay next weeks rent”portion of my life all figured out. I grew up tough your typical divorced home, single mom worked late to make ends meat we lived in a one bedroom apartment for the 3 of us (my sister,mother and I) that I understood, that I wasn’t afraid to lose I always knew there would be more there would be better. I find comfort in tuna sandwiches and ramen noodles. It was all looking up from there. was i afraid of heights? Im not sure if I’m on top of a mountain or a cliff right now! I don’t want to sound ungrateful don’t get me wrong. Im just scared. I feel like i finally got something right like I finally have a chance to get it right this time. I’ve been wrong soooo many times before. I mean I once dated a guy who’s fiance passed away 5 years prior to our relationship and when we moved in together there were still boxes and boxes of her things in the home they purchased together which hadn’t finished being built until after her passing. poor guy you say I’m sure, try being the new girlfriend who listened to the endless voice recordings he made for her or hear the stories about him wearing her pajamas and spraying her perfume around the house just to feel close to her. worst part is I was with him him for 2 years! In my defense I was 22 at the time clearly a very unseasoned, insecure, hopeful girl who didn’t have enough life experience to realize it was destined for disaster! Still my track record speaks for itself I followed that one up with your baskin robbins string of romances one being a club DJ yea thats right a dj I think some part of me wanted my youth back the youth I handed over  to Ghost lover. I wanted to dance and be young and free and I was until I wasn’t another 2  wasted years later. I thought for certain we’d run off to ibiza and get married wearing flower crowns while whatever techno version of a cheesy wedding song played in the background until I realized he was already married to his brazilian roommate so that she could get citizenship papers and he could live rent free. Point is reality sets in at some point and you face it. Id like to think that after a string of heartbreaks I’ve finally found the one and that I’m just scared of the unfamiliar the unknown. did i deserve this life? Could i really have the house, the picket fence and the dog? or was my mind playing tricks on me again? was i about to find out he has a girlfriend in spain who’s mother to their love child that he wires money to on a monthly basis?! who knows until then I’ve got to learn to let go live in the now and have faith in the rest.

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