Yesterday, I realized that I’m in a tough position. Well, yesterday wasn’t the first time that this certain thought crossed my mind, but yesterday is the first time I actually said it out loud. Which, is a huge thing for this type of statement. “I don’t think I want to be with my fiance’ anymore.” It’s not just an “I don’t think i’m in love with you for no good reason” its more of a “your kind of an asshole” kind of reason.
I guess it’s because of a number of reasons I’m coming to this conclusion when it comes to me and my daughter’s lives. You call me a “lazy fuck” just loud enough to where I can hear it from the back room. The reason for this name being called was because I didn’t pick up all the laundry in our bedroom. Isn’t the bedroom supposed to be the most intimate room in the house? Not a room where you LOUDLY mutter hateful names you call your significant other
Ahh, the bedroom usually the most passionate room in the house. Ours was no exception, until recently. Now, its mainly just used for sleeping and and escape room for when a fight ensues, I guess this is more so for me. Yes, sometimes the laundry does pile up, nothing more than a load or so. Sure, I should have folded it all and put it away, but things happen and it didn’t get done. The bedroom is also where a learned a lot about this man that I love like he doesn’t care when he is being an asshole because he knows he’s an asshole, as do I, so there’s no need for apologies of that account. I used to say to him all the time, “nobody likes an asshole.” which is true beyond words. That is, except for me, I loved this asshole.
Another thing I learned was that you can have a deep and awesome love more than once. I lost my last husband to an accident, which left me alone to raise my daughter until I met this man. Well, we’ve known each other for a very long time just never decided to date. At the beginning, everything was beautiful, and we were completely inseparable constantly. My daughter loved him just as much as I did. It was incredible. We found a house for rent in the country and every thing seemed to fall into place, and just as it fall into place it quickly feel out of place.
Names were his strong suit. He gets into calling people names. He calls his mom names too, which it’s their type of relationship, it still should’ve been a kind of red flag on the name calling. It wasn’t. He can always hurt you worse than you hurt him. That is definitely what he at least made you believe. He’s not all bad. He used to be so sweet and charming, he still is. He has no restraint or release for when he gets upset. He goes after whomever he loves most when he gets angry. It’s easier. Which is true, I am just as guilty as he is. I do it too. When I get frustrated, I curse and yell. It’s no polite and not what you should do to people you love. We’re human, we make mistakes.
We all forget things. all the time. If we don’t have a reminder set up on our phone or if we don’t get a notification on Facebook, then we forget about stuff. Small stuff. Stupid stuff. Stuff that really shouldn’t matter in the first place, but it does. It always matters….to someone. We just forget. I definitely forget things all the time. Like, I forget why I’m still in this relationship that just makes me feel like shit about myself. “But, I love you and I don’t want to break up. I just want…..” Exactly, Apparently I’m not doing what you want or what needs to be done. I understand that sometimes I am bad with money and will slack off on the cleaning sometimes, but it doesn’t make me a bad person. I traded a really good paying job for a job with more hours and less pay. I was miserable at my old job and you never want to stay in a situation where your miserable because you never know what day will be your last.
I guess this is the real reason, I don’t have anything that’s just mine, and I don’t want to be without anything. I just want to be able to do great on my own. Even with my confidence battered and my soul exhausted. I just want to be sure o be able to make it. I think I stay for comfort and stability. Somewhat fear. I just feel terrified.