So, last night wasn’t to bad. He called me and pretended everything was okay. I shouldn’t be so bitter..I know he’s right…as much as I don’t want to admit it. I probably could do a little bit more for our relationship and a little bit less of things that just benefit me.
I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that it feels like it’s just me that cleans the house. I can’t even remember the last time he did laundry for more then himself. It drives me nuts. Anytime the house is even a little bit destroyed, he bitches about me. I just am losing my absolute ever loving mind. It sucks because I love him so much and when things are going good, they are so good. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.
On the plus side, I did have a phone interview this morning regarding a position at a insurance company. It would be Monday-Friday at the same place everyday. I hope the pay is good. I make about $650 every two weeks where I’m at now. I just feel a little intimidated because 181 other people applied for this position, and I’m hoping that I make the cut.
I just want to be happy, and right now I’m totally am not. I don’t care about things like I used too. I know some of it is because of my depression mostly, but some of it has to do with my current life situation as well. I don’t feel excited when I’m on my way home anymore like I used too. I feel more of a dread because he ALWAYS has something to bitch about…like everyday. I understand how he is stressed out, and I totally see how it’s my fault. My real shock comes from him not giving up on me yet. I don’t think he ever will which I should be thankful for, and I am, I just feel like his outbursts are always pointed at me because of me. Maybe this comes from the fact that he will never actually leave me, no matter how toxic I feel I am to him. \
Comfort. Simple yet such a powerful word, and yet it’s exactly what I feel when I;m with him usually. This too seems like it is slipping away as well. Sometimes, I don’t forgive as easily as I probably should. I hold those mean words that are said with me, until the end of time it seems. Sometimes maybe even a year or longer and I’ll still remember the fight where he called me that horrible thing, then turned around 45 minutes later and began saying how sorry he was. Tragic, I know, I shouldn’t do that to myself or him. I don’t honestly know why I do, but I’ve always done that type of thing.
Blame. I also take the blame. Sometimes, I just tell him he’s right so he’ll just stop. I don;t think he realizes how much hurt I’ve received and feel sometimes. I know he’s hurting too. It’s just a vicious cycle.
On my happy note. I would like to say Blair can now spell “red” and also is learning her A,B,C’s and is doing amazing in school. She definitely inspires me to do better.