My 15 month old son is currently having his nap. I miss having an online diary, I always end up having one! I’ve kept some sort of diary whether it be written or online since August 1999 when I was 11 years old! I’ve always loved writing, it really helps me. I started writing poetry when I was just 7, and obviously started writing diaries 4 years later. It’s just so therapeutic and I think I really need it right now. The past year has been extremely difficult and I’m surprised I didn’t have an online diary for this whole time, but with a baby I honestly didn’t really have time. But I’ve been thinking about starting a diary again the whole time and I didn’t but now I have! I don’t have many people to talk to really…my son can’t talk yet and my parents are both unwell, my older sister lives in Reading and the majority of my family live in Mexico! My fathers side of the family are scattered in England, but we don’t have much dealings with them really. I also have the worst kind of mental illness in terms of having any relationships at all- Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder, is a more accurate name for it.)
I’ve lived a terribly unstable life constantly in and out of mental health hospitals and A&E departments until early November 2014 when a GP tested a sample which showed I was most definitely pregnant, both lines were dark pink. I honestly thought I was suffering a water infection and would be picking up a prescription for antibiotics, not folic acid tablets to help prevent birth defects!! It was from this day I was forced to give up all my bad habits; self harm, lorazepam, sleeping pills & suicide attempts…because I wanted to, for my baby. It’s not been easy though. These were all my coping mechanisms. Writing and music are my only healthy ones! So I do need this diary again. I also had to have one of my most helpful anti-depressants reduced from a maximum dose to the lowest dose, in order to breastfeed my son. And I still breastfeed him, even though he’s 15 months old, and I’m so glad I decided to breastfeed him, he really does love it. He mainly uses it now for comfort, and to go to sleep. He fed from me to have his usual nap which he’s having right now. I feed him on a pillow and he just falls asleep on it, feeding. Then I move him to his cot. He does the exact same thing at night.
Even though I’ve changed and given up the worst things I used to do, I’m still not well, and I still need a release…and it can come out explosively and hurt those I love, which is the absolute worst. So that’s one of the most important reasons to have a diary again!! I still have so much to change. I have to still put my whole life back on track, I’ve spent a total of about 4 years in some sort of hospital, so I have never been able to complete my education or have a paid job! Taking things as they come definitely helps though. Little steps! Just like my son when he started walking in the middle of August!
Some simple things I definitely want to change is going to bed so late!! I stay up cleaning toys & the floors and I load up the washing machine…then I go on my computer and do the things I don’t have time for during the day with Harry …but I get too carried away! I can’t seem to stop because I long to just chill and do the things I can’t usually enjoy and just get so carried away! But then I don’t end up going to sleep till nearly 1am which is not good at all. I still breastfeed and I need adequate sleep. Harry is a lot of work!! And I get annoyed at him much more when I’m overly tired and I don’t like to be like that. He’s still little and still learning. Got to learn to get adequate sleep, for my sons sake if not for my own! Okay so starting tonight, small step: Going to bed as early as possible!!! Wish me luck. I’m exhausted at the moment…and I’m struggling to get Harry to eat properly, he certainly doesn’t have three meals a day, much much less, he is really off his food and it worries me so much!!