The hardest thing about being a cross dresser and/or transgender person is the constant feeling of not knowing who you are within your own body. Every day I feel confused about my sexuality and gender that I am not sure of what I am. Some days I feel very masculine and other days I feel absolutely feminine and I want to express that outwardly but it’s difficult because people wouldn’t understand.
On the days I feel feminine, I am often looking longingly at other women in the crowd, wishing I could be her, wear what she’s wearing, and walk in her shoes (literally) with such confidence. I often fantasize about getting dressed up and walking amongst them, interacting as they would with the world. I imagine myself in a skirk or dress, heels just feeling confident and free. Maybe I am envious of other women because they do walk with confidence, expressing their feminine energy. Maybe they’re expelling it so that I may have some. They get to walk around in skirts, shorts, dresses and cute outfits.
I want to confess something that no one else knows about me. While I am not entirely lying about the real me, I have these desires. I am a crossdresser (phew!!!!). Although I feel like I want to be a woman, I don’t think I want to go all the way on the other side. I just want to feel the confidence to be a woman some days. Walk in their shoes and appear as they do. I wish that one day, the people I love the most can come to that understanding on their own.
It just feels good to say it out loud, to write these words down. I use this diary as a way of expressing my inner desires for this side of me. I will write stories, some of them true and based on my reality and others are complete fantasy.
I am a cross dresser. I am a crossdresser. I am transgender. I am genderfluid.