Only a few days after my last entry, she broke up with me. Also finding out afterwards she slept with someone 2 wks ago. (I’m aware of the promiscuous sex issues with her mental health). To her, having sex with someone else was just a thing, nothing behind it and meant nothing to her. Problem is that it meant everything to me. This is the second time during our two years. I forgave her after the first time, and I went 4 months on a crazy roller coaster ride trying to get through it because from day to day it was different and I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. This time, not surprised, but damn it hurts.
This time, to save my own mental health, I decided to go ahead and just start seeing someone else. You know, replace her. Everything about it feels wrong. I have known this new girl for a while, she has had a crush on me for a long time, so it’s occupying my time so I’m not thinking and analyzing every second on things. BUT, when you truly love someone else, it plays a different type of mental stress upon you. I’ve been honest with the new girl, and she’s being patient with me, and very understanding.
Part of me wishes I could back to being like I use to be in my 20’s & 30’s, I went through women and seldom got attached, I just moved on and didn’t look back. Now I’m in my 40’s with a divorce attached to my baggage and the love of my life just happens to be Bi-Polar and Boarderline Personality Disorder. This isn’t how I planned it. I expected to be settled down, someone to come home to, someone to hold at night…. I have everything else in my life in order, I’m financially stable, I love my job as a Flight Medic, and a small business of my own on the side that’s doing well. I have a wonderful family that supports me in whatever I do. I just can’t get this relationship thing right.
Back to my break up, she has came to me and admitted she needs time to heal from whatever it is going on inside her. She’s going to go back to counseling (she should have never stopped) and work on herself for a little while. I agree this is what she needs to do. I also need some time to heal from all of it too. Mental Health doesn’t just effect the person with it, I promise it effects anyone that loves them and is close to them.
Right now, I’m just trying to hold it all together. Maybe it’s not all the right way, but it’s how I’m surviving it.