Dear Diary

I just realised I can’t talk about my problems because my mum has taught me that my problems don’t matter and that they’re only excuses for something else entirely. Tonight I wanted to tell her something. I really did. But I couldn’t. It’s messing her up and I’m feeling more guilty than I’m angry. But I just can’t tell her. I can’t talk. I can only cry alone and hope other would somehow figure it out themselves. But I can’t talk even if I wanted to. I can’t say anything. And I don’t know how to fix this. 

Every time someone asks me “what’s wrong” I just shut up immediately. The chances of my talking reduces to less than zero when someone says that to me. I just smile and say “nothing at all” all the while on the inside I’m just screaming. It’s almost instinctive.

Whatever the hell is wrong with me I’m cool with it until it bothers someone else. I’m hurting other people and I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. And I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I’ve always hated myself. But I’m always able to ignore that. Now I can’t. I mean, tonight.

I hate myself. Shit. 


One thought on “Dear Diary”

  1. Dear, you have every right to talk. You can phrase things in a way that will not hurt the other person. But you’ve got to get your voice back!. It isn’t healthy to bottle up everything. If you want to, start here on Goodnight Journal. Talk to us. We don’t know who you are, and we will not judge you or anyone. Don’t cry alone. And pray to Jesus (silently is okay) He will always listen and help and not condemn you. He is glad you have a tender heart for others, but he does not want you to hate yourself, His own little girl whom he created in love. If you hate yourself, you hurt God’s feelings. But you can always make a new start. God loves to give us second chances and a lot of grace to help us out. Talk to Him, talk to us, but do talk. Please.

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