I just realised I can’t talk about my problems because my mum has taught me that my problems don’t matter and that they’re only excuses for something else entirely. Tonight I wanted to tell her something. I really did. But I couldn’t. It’s messing her up and I’m feeling more guilty than I’m angry. But I just can’t tell her. I can’t talk. I can only cry alone and hope other would somehow figure it out themselves. But I can’t talk even if I wanted to. I can’t say anything. And I don’t know how to fix this.
Every time someone asks me “what’s wrong” I just shut up immediately. The chances of my talking reduces to less than zero when someone says that to me. I just smile and say “nothing at all” all the while on the inside I’m just screaming. It’s almost instinctive.
Whatever the hell is wrong with me I’m cool with it until it bothers someone else. I’m hurting other people and I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. And I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I’ve always hated myself. But I’m always able to ignore that. Now I can’t. I mean, tonight.
I hate myself. Shit.